Episode 93: Getting Into It

The Less Stressed Lawyer with Olivia Vizachero | Getting Into It

When you’re in a situation you don’t like, it’s normal to look for the faults and focus on all the negativity. But you have two other options available here: get out of it, or get into it. If you have something in your life that isn’t working for you right now, but you’re not ready to quit and get out of it, why don’t you start getting into it?

You can keep going along, having the same experience of life that you aren’t loving, or you can get into it, look for the positives, and show up in a way you’re proud of. Getting into it may take more effort than just going with the flow, but it truly changes everything and allows you to create a life you truly love.

Tune in this week to discover how to start getting into it. If you’re in a romantic relationship that doesn’t feel like it’s working right now, you’re in a challenging friendship, or you are having difficulty at work and you don’t want to just quit, you’ll learn how to get into it and make a concerted effort to have a positive influence over the world around you. You’ll be amazed at what you can create for yourself when you get into it.

The Obsessed Retreat is open for registration right now! It’s an in-person event happening in Miami Beach, Florida from March 20th through 23rd 2024. It’s where you’ll learn a three-part framework for creating a life you’re obsessed with, so click here to find out more. 

Enrollment is open for Lawyers Only, my monthly subscription for lawyers. We get started April 2nd 2024 and you can click here for all the details!

What You’ll Learn from this Episode:

  • 3 choices you have when something isn’t working for you.
  • How to see the actions you need to take in order to improve any situation you’re dealing with.
  • The role of your thoughts and emotions when you’re taking actions to show up differently.
  • What changes when you lead the way and become an example of positive change.
  • How to start getting into it and begin changing whatever situation you’re in.

Listen to the Full Episode:

Featured on the Show:

Full Episode Transcript:

You’re listening to The Less Stressed Lawyer podcast, Episode 93. Today, we’re talking all about how to get into it. You ready? Let’s go.

Welcome to The Less Stressed Lawyer, the only podcast that teaches you how to manage your mind so you can live a life with less stress and far more fulfillment. If you’re a lawyer who’s over the overwhelm and tired of trying to hustle your way to happiness, you’re in the right place. Now, here’s your host, lawyer turned life coach Olivia Vizachero.

Well, hello there. How are you? I am doing well over here. Lots of exciting things going on over here. I just opened up enrollment for my new weekly coaching subscription. It’s called Lawyers Only, and you guessed it, it’s for lawyers only. I’m so, so excited about it.

I’m planning on doing just an entire episode on the ins and outs of the program, to introduce you to it, but I wanted to let you know that it’s open. I’ve been talking about it for a while. If you are close to me you know that this has been in the works for a really long time. I had this idea back in 2017 when I was first introduced to coaching.

I knew that I wanted to create a subscription coaching membership service for attorneys, so that they have their own community, their own place where they can come, learn from me, learn from one another network, connect, and have a sense of community.

I finally created that and put it out into the world. So, it gets started… Our first call is April 2nd. It opens on April 1st, but enrollment’s open right now. So, the member portal opens April 1st, but you can get in right now. If you follow me on social media you will see me talking all about it there. You can get a hold of me and get a private invitation to join as a founding member, which is so exciting.

You get a pretty significant discount if you sign up as a founding member; instead of $150/month, it’s $1,000 for the year, and you lock in that annual price for life. So, as long as you’re a member of Lawyers Only, that will be the rate you pay for this career and life changing membership.

I’m so excited to help people thrive personally and professionally, and that’s what we’re going to do inside Lawyers Only. So, if you haven’t already, get your private invites. Sign up for that list. You can, again, reach out to me on social media for your invitation. Sign up and lock in that founding member status. It’s going to be so good.

Alright. Without further ado, I want to talk about… This actually came out of a conversation I had with a friend a couple months ago. It was such a fun transition that happened from the story that I’m about to tell you. And I thought that this would be really valuable to the people listening to this podcast, as well.

So, I was out of town with a friend, and there were quite a few of us together. This friend was telling us a story about how she was unhappy in her marriage. She was sort of commiserating with us, telling us about her experience and just really not being into it. That’s the way that she described it, “I’m just not into it, at all.”

Through the course of our conversation our friend group had asked a bunch of questions. We were like, “Okay, well, do you want to get divorced? Is it something you want to work on? Do you think that you can make improvements, or make the situation better if you just put some work into it?” We kind of poked and prodded, and just explored. Not in an antagonistic way but just in a curious way, helping her sort of flush out what her options were.

She ended up coming to a decision, pretty convincedly, that she had absolutely no interest in getting divorced, at least not anytime soon. She has kids, she wants them to go through high school and what not, be out of the house, before she makes a decision on what to do with her marriage. And based on the age of her kiddos, that means that she’s going to be married for a considerable amount of time.

So, it’s not like they’re going to be moving out within the next year. She’s got some serious time in front of her before anything changes. So, we talked about it over the course of this time that we were all together, this friend group, and then it came up once more, before we all left one another to go back to our respective cities.

Another friend that was there, she made this statement, and it ended up really sticking with all of us. It’s kind of become a catchphrase of ours. She said, “You know what? If you’re not going to get out of it, why don’t you get into it?” That was sort of the parting wisdom of the weekend.

Several months later, we were all back with one another and she reported back, gave us an update on the situation. She said that was the piece of advice that shifted everything for her. She really took it to heart and she thought it. “Okay, if I’m not going to get out of it,”… and obviously she could get out of it, she was choosing not to. She was choosing to stay in that situation.

She recognized that she could have two different experiences. She was choosing to stay… So, the third experience would be that she could leave and go pursue something else. But the two options with staying are, you can continue to have your current experience, which is being dissatisfied, not enjoying it, not making the most of it.

You just keep looking for the faults in the situation, finding the things that you don’t like, and you’re going to create a pretty negative situation for yourself when you do that. So, that was the first option.

The second option was like our other friend suggested. If you’re not going to get out of it, get into it. She could look for the positives, and work on finding new thoughts to think, finding new ways to show up in that situation. Really investing herself and leaving it all on the table.

That had also come out of some conversations that we had had around how I’ve shown up in a relationship that I was in that recently ended. One of the things that I feel so proud of myself for is, I deeply feel like it’s the best I’ve ever shown up in a relationship, even though it didn’t end up working out.

I’m very proud of myself for how I showed up, how I contributed to the relationship, and how I coached myself on things that might have been hard for me in the past. I really feel like I gave it my all.

So, as we had been talking that initial weekend, she realized, “Oh, I really haven’t been giving this my all. I’ve been sort of nitpicking, looking for the things that aren’t working, finding faults in this situation.” Kind of just half‑assing it, so to speak.

She was having the exact experience that you have when you don’t put all 100% of your effort into something. When you only half-ass it, right? When you half-ass something you tend to have a half-assed experience of it, it’s not that great.

So, she realized that these were the two options that were available to her. You could keep going on like you have been, maintaining the status quo. Which is a pretty abysmal, less than incredible experience. Or she could really change her tune. Like we said, if you’re not going to get out of it, get into it.

That’s what she chose to do. She went back and she really started making a concerted effort to get into it. To look for all of the positive things. To show up in a way that she was really proud of. To make every effort to improve her marital situation; to enjoy her spouse more.

To be the partner that she knows that she’s capable of being, and would like to be. And figuring out, what is it that I’d like to create here? What would I need to do in order to create that result?

This is a concept that I teach my clients, we work on reverse engineering results. So, when you get clear on the result that you want to create for yourself, you can work that process backwards. What are all of the actions that I would need to take? What are all of the things that I might be doing now that I would need to stop doing in order to improve the situation?

What positive emotions do I need to cultivate in order to take that action and show up in that way? And then last, but not least, of course, what thoughts do I need to be thinking about myself, about my marriage, about the situation, in order to feel those feelings? In order to cultivate those emotions? In order to fuel me to take that action, to show up differently, and to produce that result that I want?

So, she did that. And then, when she reported back many months later, she was having a completely different experience in her marriage. It was so much better, so much more enjoyable. She was so much more satisfied than she had been when we first talked about this.

I’ve really been sitting with this idea, ‘if you’re not going to get out of it, get into it.’ How many things, how many situations, are you currently invested in and you’re complaining about them? You’re not liking your experience. You’re finding fault in it. You’re either dreading it, or just going through life tolerating the status quo. Being pretty dissatisfied with what your experience is, but yet you’re not doing anything different.

You’re not leaving, which is the first option. Nor are you making a change to improve the situation, to make the most out of it. You just keep choosing to find fault, complain, and tolerate. Think about this. You might be exactly like the person who is the main character in the story that I’m telling you. Maybe it’s a relationship that you’re tolerating, that you’re not going to get out of so you could get into it. Right?

What would be different if you did that? If you really focused… People, when I talk about relationships in this way, you’re going to want to say, “Yeah, but they need to try, and they need to change.”

One of my really good friends, Maggie Reyes, she’s a marriage coach. She talks all the time about the “power of one.” About the power of being the person who goes first and makes the change first. Who changes their mindset first. Who cultivates different emotions first. Who shows up differently first.

What if you were just willing to lead the way and be an example to your partner, or to the person you’re in relationship with? Because this doesn’t just have to apply to romantic relationships. If you have a terrible relationship, or a relationship you don’t enjoy with another member of your family, maybe it’s your siblings or one of your parents or one of your children.

Let’s be really honest, if you’re not going to get out of it, can you get into it? Are you willing to get into it? If you’re not going to cut off communication with the people in your lives, would you be willing to make a concerted effort to make the most out of the situation? To fix it? To improve it so that it’s something that you actually enjoy and can take pleasure in, that fulfills you or that adds to your life, rather than detracts from it? What would that be like?

If you’re very honest, like I said, and you decide, “Yeah, I’m not going to end this relationship. This person is going to continue to be in my life. And with that in mind, I’m going to not just complain, not put in the lowest amount of effort possible. I’m actually going to try. I’m going to show up the best version of myself, get clear on what I want, work towards it, leave it all on the field, and see what comes of it.”

Yeah, that’s going to require more effort from you. That’s going to require more intentionality from you, more energy from you. But what if it’s worth it? Now, you’re going to have to overcome some limiting beliefs about what’s possible. You might be doubting that that’s something that you could even create for yourself.

But if you could, just for a second, step into the idea that it might just be possible… like it was for my friend… to get into it because you’re not going to get out of it, what would that look like? If you could have a more ideal situation how fun would that be? How could that change so many different aspects of your life, if you stopped simply tolerating?

Outside of relationships, this also happens with work. I coach so many people who refuse to leave their jobs. Leaving your job is always an option. I don’t care what you want to tell me, you always have a choice. Yeah, there may be consequences that you don’t love from leaving your job, right? Financial insecurity, uncertainty, worry, judgment from other people; all of that may be true.

Having to start new, having to go through that process might not be super comfortable, and that may be part of that change, but it is an option available to you. And it’s always your determination of, are you willing to embark on that transition, on that change, on that uncertainty, on that worry, on the unknown?

For a lot of people, they’re not. So, they continue to stay in a situation that isn’t very fulfilling, that they’re not super crazy about. Now, if you’re not going to leave… Because that is an option on the table. You get to choose not to choose it… then you’re left with two other choices.

One, is that you can keep hating your job, keep complaining about it, keep putting in the lowest amount of effort possible, keep feeling sorry for yourself and really dwelling on how unpleasant and how unhappy you are; how unpleasant the job is and how unhappy you are in it.

Or you can opt for option three. Which is, if you’re not going to get out of it, get into it. What would it look like for you to recommit to your job, recommit to the work, you do recommit to the people you serve, recommit to the people you work with? To instead of looking for all of the faults in your position, to looking for all of the benefit in it.

What does it do for you? What do you like about it? What do you think might be possible if you really invested your full self? What might you be able to create? What could your experience be like if you were willing to put in the work to change what your day to day looks like? How you show up, and what you create from taking different action?

What if you could actually enjoy your job, even though for the longest time you haven’t enjoyed it? What if that’s possible? That was what was true for my friend. For a very long time, she hadn’t really enjoyed the relationships she was in. She made this cognitive, conscious decision to show up differently.

She was like, “Nope, I’m going to recommit. I’m going to leave it all in the field, I’m going to show up in a way that I’m really proud of, and that I can stand tall and stand strong behind. That’s what I’m going to do.” And when she showed up that way she changed her entire experience, both for her and for her partner.

So, if you’re doing this at work, you can change your experience both for you and all of the people that surround you; for your clients, for your colleagues, the people you supervise, the people that you work for. You can really change so much. Again, this is the power of one, if you just go first and you fully commit.

This is also true for any social engagement that you agree to go to? Do you ever commit to something and then you complain about it? You’re like, “Why did I sign up for this? I don’t want to do this. This is going to suck. It’s going to be the worst.” And then you just dread it the entire time leading up to it, and maybe even while you’re engaged in it.

What I want you to do is get really clear. What are your three options here? Option number one: You can back out. You can not go. That option is always available to you. May there be a consequence for backing out? Sure, someone might have opinions about that. They might not love that you’re deciding to not go after you said you would go. But that’s a consequence you might be willing to endure, to take, to suffer. That’s up to you.

But if you’re not willing to suffer that consequence, or even the risk of that being a consequence that you have to deal with, then you’re left with the two other options.

You can continue to have your bad attitude. I’m saying that with all the love in the world. I’m calling you guys out just a little bit, but I think it’s really going to be in service of you. So, you can continue with your bad attitude. Complain, look for all the things that are going to suck, all the things that you hate, all the things that you can’t stand, all the things that are going to be miserable, and just keep highlighting them to yourself so you really make the worst of the situation.

It’s going to be very unpleasant; you’re not going to enjoy yourself at all. So, you can create that emotional experience for yourself, invest the time anyways, but really not get anything positive out of it.

Or, if you’re not going to get out of it, get into it. Look for all of the things that you’re going to enjoy. Look for all of the positives that you’re going to get out of it. If you’re attending, look for all of the reasons that you would want to attend, not the reasons that you wouldn’t want to attend. What are you looking forward to? What might be fun? Sell yourself on it. Selling yourself on it is one of the ways that you can get into it.

That’s the first step, sell yourself on it. And then decide, ‘how do I want to show up?’ And then act in accordance with whatever you identified; being the way that you want to show up in that situation. Okay?

If you’re one to sort of complain, or feel sorry for yourself, or create some drama about the situation you’re in… you’re not willing to leave, but you don’t want to stay and make the most of it… you’re picking that middle option. That’s the worst option available to you. If you’re doing this, I really want you to question: Why? What is it that you get out of not leaving, and not making the best out of the current situation?

Two things that I want you to really pay attention to: Number one, it is normally more comfortable to stay in that middle option. You don’t have to deal with the discomfort of leaving, and you don’t have to deal with the discomfort of making an effort, of really putting yourself fully in to the situation to make the most of it.

So, it’s easier. It allows you to conserve energy, avoid discomfort, so it makes sense that your brain’s offering that up to you as the option that you should choose.

I also want to turn you on to this other thing. One of the human needs that we all have, but a lot of people they prioritize this more than a lot of their other needs, is the need to feel significant, the need to feel needed. And when we are the victim in a story we feel very significant. Not in a powerfully significant way, we don’t feel strong or powerful. But we do feel like we are at the center of that story.

And there is a certain significance there, so it meets that need for us to feel significant. So, if you’re someone who loves to feel needed, loves to feel important, loves to feel at the center of a situation; whether that’s as a helper, maybe you love to problem solve, you love to save the day, or be the hero in a situation. This is sort of the flip side of that same coin.

Where you still get to feel very significant and very important, it just has a negative tinge to it because you’re the victim not the hero. But again, victims and heroes are both very important characters in storylines, so you will get that need for feeling significant met.

You want to be on the lookout for these two things: Am I choosing this option to avoid discomfort? And, am I choosing this option because it allows me to feel significant? If the answers are yes, you really want to examine: Do I love those reasons for choosing this middle option? Or would I like to make a different choice? Either choose to get out of it, because that’s always available to you, or choose with intention to get into it and make the most out of a less than ideal situation.

You’ll be surprised. If you choose the third option, to get into it, you can really turn things around. It will blow your mind if you really commit yourself, and decide, “I’m going to give it my all. I’m going to leave it on the table,” what you’re able to create for yourself.

I can’t wait for you to try this out and to see the impact of deciding, “Hey, I’m not going to get out of it, so I’m going to get into it,” has on your own life. I hope you will clue me in to the significant changes that you experience when you decide to stop half-assing something, to stop being withdrawn, to stop complaining about it, and really give all of yourself do something. To make the most of it and contribute in a really meaningful way. It’s going to be a game changer. I guarantee it.

All right, my friends. That’s what I’ve got for you this week. Get out there. And if you’re not going to get out of it, get into it. Okay? I hope you have a beautiful week and we’ll talk to you in the next episode.

Thanks for listening to The Less Stressed Lawyer podcast. If you want more info about Olivia Vizachero or the show’s notes and resources from today’s episode, visit www.TheLessStressedLawyer.com.

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