Episode 116: Working Through Confusion

You’re listening to The Less Stressed Lawyer podcast, Episode 116. Today we’re talking all about working through confusion. You ready? Let’s go.

Welcome to The Less Stressed Lawyer, the only podcast that teaches you how to manage your mind so you can live a life with less stress and far more fulfillment. If you’re a lawyer who’s over the overwhelm and tired of trying to hustle your way to happiness, you’re in the right place. Now, here’s your host, lawyer turned life coach Olivia Vizachero.

Hello, hello. How are we doing? So good to talk to you. I just got back from Palm Springs. I hosted my fifth in-person retreat, the Obsessed Retreat, and we had such a riot. 

But now that we have wrapped that up, and done all that incredible in-person work, I’m back to my regularly scheduled programming. I’m so excited about it. It’s been a busy few months over here, but things are finally calm, cool, and collected. Just in time for the holidays, right? I hope your holiday season is off to a good start, mine certainly is. 

I’ve got a little gift for you in today’s episode. I’m talking about one of my favorite topics. We’re talking about working through confusion. Now, there are several reasons why this is such an important topic to talk about. So I want to give you a little backstory or background here, okay? 

First and foremost, if you’ve been listening to this podcast for a little while, you already know that I talk a lot on the podcast about the concept of gagging-and-going through discomfort. Okay? 

And all that means is that when you’re experiencing a negative emotion, it comes time to do something uncomfortable. Instead of resisting the emotion, avoiding the emotion, running for the hills and seeking instant gratification and temporary comfort, you need to gag-and-go through that discomfort. You have to feel your negative feelings on purpose and take intentional action in spite of and despite them. Okay? 

Now, one of the most common emotions that I see people avoid happens to be confusion. They start to feel confused and then they avoid it. I know this is true for myself as well. As I’ve studied myself … once I got into coaching, and I’ve continued to do that since 2017, since I first found this modality to help change my life … I started to pay attention to where I would indulge in inaction. Where I wouldn’t move forward. Where I’d freeze and hold myself back. 

And I started to discover I have patterns. We all have patterns. And those patterns come in the flavor of avoiding particular negative emotions. Now, a lot of us avoid similar emotions, but some people are more avoidant of certain emotions than others. This is definitely true for me. Like nervousness, I don’t avoid that much. I tend to work through that pretty easily. 

But confusion for me shuts me down, or it typically has in the past until I started to study myself. And now I know how to spot my patterns, my avoidant tendencies when I start to engage in them, and I’m able to interrupt the cycle very quickly. All right? 

So I know this is true for myself, that confusion has been a particular pain point for me when it comes to avoiding negative emotion and the impact that that has on the results that I create in my own life. Okay? I have a history of avoiding this feeling.

And the way that I avoid it is instead of working through what I’m confused about, I do something else that isn’t confusing to me. Right? So I’ll be sitting, thinking through something. It will get uncomfortable. I’ll begin to feel confused. I don’t like how that feeling feels in my body. And then I’ll pick up my cell phone and I’ll scroll on social media, or I’ll text a friend, or I’ll do something else work-related that isn’t confusing at all to me, that I have a lot of clarity and certainty around.

And that’s a really quick way for me to escape that negative emotional experience of feeling confused. Now, if you do this, you know that this just makes you stay confused because you don’t solve for what you’re actually confused about. So you jump to something else. The confusion about the original issue just continues on. It remains. 

So when you eventually come back around to that same problem, that same issue that you’re facing, you’re still just as confused as you were before. And you’re in exactly the same spot as you were before, just as confused as you were when you began, having made no progress, right? Because you haven’t worked through what you’re confused about. 

When you experience confusion, if you’re someone who experiences it similar to me, it shuts you down and you avoid it, instead of avoiding it you have to gag-and-go through the confusion. You’ve got to embrace it. But when I talk about gagging-and-going in certain instances, nervousness is a good example … it’s very clear to understand what gagging-and-going means in that situation … You just have to feel nervous and go do it anyway. 

Let’s say you don’t like public speaking. You feel nervous about doing it. In order to be someone who speaks publicly on stages, at conferences, even in work meetings, you have to gag-and-go through the nervousness. You’ve got to just get up and give your speech or make your statement regardless of how you feel. That’s what it means to gag-and-go.

But in a situation like feeling confused, it’s not as clear to people what it means to gag-and-go through the confusion. I really want to break it down for you even more and walk you through the process of working through your own confusion so you know what it looks like in practice. So this becomes something that you’re able to do for yourself. All right?

It’s really going to be a game changer for you. And the reason it’s a game changer is because when you work through your confusion, you end up making decisions more quickly. You don’t spin and obsess over things without moving forward and deciding. You’re able to stop second-guessing yourself and just move forward, take more action. Which, ultimately, produces better results faster. So it’s an all-around win, across the board. 

What I want you to do now, before I break down this process for you, is I want you to take a few seconds and identify something you’re confused about right now. You can even make a list of several things that you’re confused about if you want. Because you’ll be really surprised with how much clarity you can create for yourself in a really short time using the process that I’m going to teach you in this episode. 

So working through not just one thing, but that whole list that you create for yourself about things you’re currently confused about, it actually won’t take you very long to work your way through it. Go ahead, you can pause this episode. Take a few seconds to identify a couple things that you’re confused about right now. Now, you want to be as specific as you possibly can be when you’re identifying what it is you’re confused about. 

When this is happening in real time, unlike in this episode where you’re manufacturing a list about things you’ve been confused about up till now, when this is happening in the moment and you’re experiencing confusion, you want to get as specific as you possibly can when you’re experiencing that confusion. 

In this instance, as you’re going through this episode and completing this exercise with me, you want to get as specific about what you’ve been confused about. All right? If you keep it vague, it’s harder to work through the confusion.

So think of the issue that you’re confused about and ask yourself, what exactly is it that I’m confused about with regard to this situation? Make sure you really pinpoint it. 

Now, here’s what you’re going to do. Take the first thing on your confusion list, and instead of avoiding thinking about it, force yourself to think about it. Sit in the confusion instead of doing something to escape it. Don’t give yourself the distraction. 

When you do this, when you create space for yourself to think about the things you’re confused about … one thing at a time, by the way … you’re left with only two choices when you do this. The first choice is that you do absolutely nothing with the time. You just spin and stay confused. Okay? You let your brain wander. You’re going to bring it back, sort of like a meditation. But you don’t actually work through your confusion, you just spin. 

The second option, which is the option that I advise, is that you make use of that time that you’re giving yourself to think about the thing you’re confused about, and you force yourself to come up with answers to what it is that you’re confused about. Okay? 

Now, what you will notice when you do this and you are confronted with these two options, you will notice that confusion is certainly uncomfortable, but there is nothing more uncomfortable than doing nothing with your time. I love to say, and this is a quote that’s common for a reason, “the world abhors a vacuum.”

So if you give yourself empty space and time to think about the things you’re confused about, and you don’t give yourself a way out of the confusion, you just force yourself to sit in it and think through it and not distract yourself by doing something else that’s more comfortable in that instant, you will work through your confusion.

Because between wasting your time and working through the confusion, you will choose to do something more productive than just waste the time making absolutely zero progress. That is the most uncomfortable thing out of all of the options involved. So you will choose to work through the confusion. 

When you give yourself the space and time … and this doesn’t have to be a long time, just a matter of a couple minutes … but when you give yourself that space to think through the issues you’re confused about, one at a time, your brain will start to work through the confusion, offer you ideas, and will actually begin to solve for the confusion and create clarity for yourself instead. 

And once you have that clarity, you’re able to move forward. What you’ll notice here is that when you isolate your focus, you remove all those distractions, your brain will offer you ideas pretty quickly. Okay? And this is so exciting and so wonderful that our brains offer us this ability to come up with those ideas so quickly. But we have to give our brains the space in order to let that happen naturally. Okay? 

If you don’t give your brain the time and space to work through that process, it won’t engage in the process. So you’ve got to give it some room to breathe and think in order to offer you ideas.

Things to be on the lookout for as you’re going through this process; working through confusion, giving yourself some time and space to think through the things you’re confused about and let your brain offer you up answers. 

As you identify options, if you’re having a hard time choosing. Question, do you not like the options available to you? I always tell my clients, “You always have options. I just can’t promise you that you will always like them.” Sometimes we want there to be an option that’s not actually available to us. I call this a “false third option”. So check in with yourself.

If you’re spinning a lot, are you desiring a false third option? An option that’s not actually available to you? That may cause you to spin. What you need to do if that’s the case, is make peace with your dissatisfaction and just decide between the options you actually have available to you; all of which you don’t particularly love. That’s okay. Decide anyway. 

Are you frustrated about limitations impacting your decision? This is something I’ve been talking a lot about lately. Frustrated about things like limited resources or competing resources. Do you have multiple things vying for your time, attention, or money? Is that frustrating you? Do you wish that you had unlimited resources? 

The fact that that isn’t your reality is causing you to be frustrated and allowing you to stay stuck, frozen, and not make a decision and move forward because you’re arguing with reality. What do you need to accept in order to work through that frustration, so you can work through your confusion and make a decision? 

An example of this might be being frustrated that you don’t have the amount of money you want at your disposal to pay off all of your debt, invest financially the way you want to invest, and buy all of the things that you’d prefer to buy for pleasure, experiences or items that you want to purchase. Being frustrated about that might have you staying stuck, not moving forward, not making a decision about what to prioritize. 

Will you pay off the debt? Will you invest first? Will you spend your money on the things that bring you pleasure? You have to decide. You have to work through that confusion. 

Identify the options that are actually available to you. Make peace with your dissatisfaction with those options, if that’s how you’re feeling. And then force yourself to come up with clarity, and work your way out of that confusion by giving your brain the time and space, just a few minutes, to think through what it is you’re specifically confused about and come up with an answer. 

Another thing to be on the lookout for when you’re working through your confusion and making decisions is, are you worried about choosing the wrong option? If you are worried about that, that is a fear that so many people have when it comes to making decisions. Solve for that too. Solve for the worry.

What will you do if things don’t go the way that you want them to go? Force yourself to answer that question as well, so you can work through the worry as you work through your confusion. Get clear on what you’ll do if that “worst-case scenario”, or a not-great-case scenario happens. What will you do? How will you navigate that moment? 

As you create clarity there, you’re going to help yourself work through the confusion and the bigger picture overall, all right? 

Another hack you can add to your arsenal is that you can give yourself a time limit for making decisions as well. This is going to help prevent you from sinking unnecessary time into making decisions and indulging in confusion, all right? Time that doesn’t give you a positive return on your investment of that time. 

So you can give yourself a limit. You can cap the time you spend working through your confusion, making decisions, and hold yourself to that timeframe. That’s how you’re going to move forward and make decisions much more quickly, instead of indulging in that confusion. Which you probably have a habit of doing if this episode’s really resonating with you. 

Those are some tips that you can use as you work this process, as you work through your confusion. Now, let me walk you through a few examples so you can see what this looks like in practice.

Typically, when I’m coaching my clients, I’m the one that’s creating the time and space for their brains to work through their confusion. Because I ask them a question and then I shut up and just hold space. And force them … I don’t force them against their will … but by holding that space, by not jumping in, by not answering for them and just being quiet after I’ve posed the question, I hold space for their brain to offer them up ideas. 

And people typically feel more beholden in a two-person conversation to come up with an answer to someone else’s question. But this is an exercise that you can conduct with yourself, all by your lonesome, as well. All right? You can ask the question, you can hold space for yourself, and force yourself to come up with the answer by not distracting yourself with anything else. 

So let’s say you’re thinking about raising your rates but you’re feeling confused, confused about whether or not you should do it. And if you do decide to do it, confused about how much you should raise them. 

If this is you, and this is something that you’ve been thinking about and indulging in confusion around, indulging in that, spinning about the decision but not actually making it, not actually moving forward, pause this episode and take just a minute or two and think through this confusion. Work your way through it.

So let’s start with the first part. Do you want to raise your rates? Just take a second. Force yourself to come up with an answer to that question. You either want to or you don’t. Now, a lot of people will stay in confusion because they don’t want to do what comes next, which is to communicate the rate increase to their clients. 

As long as they stay confused about whether or not to increase the rates, they don’t have to do the other uncomfortable thing, which is have the difficult conversation, have that uncomfortable conversation. But postpone that. Separate that action from making the decision, first, and just force yourself to not distract yourself from this question, do you want to raise your rates? 

Things to look at might be, are you relatively full with clients? If you are, that’s a great time to raise your rates. Have you not raised them recently? Has it been a while? Would it allow you to make the money you want to make if you raised them? Would it serve your business? Would it allow you to better serve clients because you wouldn’t have to take on as much work in order to make the money that you want to make? All things to consider, all right?

Answer those questions for yourself and then force yourself to come up with an answer. Will you raise them? Will you not? If you decide to raise them, now force yourself to come up with the answer of how much. Give yourself only a minute or two to come up with this decision, to work through your confusion.

I guarantee, if you decided yes to the first question, should I raise my rates? And now you’re contemplating the second question, by how much? If you don’t distract yourself from that question, your brain will offer you an answer. Don’t question it. Go with that answer and move forward. 

If you come up with an answer that you don’t feel confident around, ask a better question. What’s the amount I could raise my rates and feel relatively comfortable communicating that new rate to my clients? This is what I meant by getting very specific about what you’re confused about. Because it illuminates the path forward. 

So what’s that number for you? Don’t let yourself off the hook. Just come up with a number. This is what I mean by working through your confusion. Create the time and space to answer these questions and force yourself to answer them.

Another example. I work with so many people who are focused on social media marketing for their law practices. Maybe they run other businesses and social media marketing is a component of how they generate revenue and income.

I consistently see people be confused about what they should write in their social media posts. If this is you, you’re just going to take a minute and you’re going to work through the confusion. Sit in your confusion and force yourself to come up with answers. What’s one thing you could write about today? It should only take you 30 seconds to come up with an answer, if not less time than that. 

Once you have an answer to that question, don’t worry about having the “right” answer. Get out of your perfectionism. Put it on the shelf for just a second. Allow yourself to guess. Allow yourself to come up with just one idea. It doesn’t have to be the best idea. You don’t have to identify all of the ideas. We just need to identify one. What’s one thing you can write about today? 

Then, once you answer that question, work through the confusion for tomorrow. What could you write about tomorrow? Identify a different thing to write about. It could be the same thing but in a different way. You get to decide. Trust yourself to have the capability of making that decision. 

Another example for working through confusion would be, maybe you’re confused about how to tackle a project. First, let’s get very specific. Are you confused about how to tackle the entire project? Is that something you actually even need to solve for right now? Or are you confused about simply how to start the project? 

Decide which confusion you want to solve. Either way, create some time and space for yourself and force yourself to come up with the answers. Give yourself permission to just guess. If I were going to start on this project, where could I start? Take a few seconds. Your brain, if you don’t distract it, will come up with an answer.

You can tackle mapping out the whole project. If I was going to tackle this project, how would I go about doing that? Start to finish. Hold some time and space for yourself. Force yourself to come up with some answers. 

I talked about this a little bit earlier on, but another example that I typically see people be confused about is what to do with the money that they have. Are we paying off debt? Are we investing in it? Are we spending it on things that we want to spend it on, outside of investing and paying off debt? 

And if you’re making those decisions, how will you go about doing it? What amounts will you devote to these different endeavors, to these different goals? What’s the schedule that you will go about paying off debt or investing? How frequently will you do these things? Where will the money go if you’re investing? 

Identify all of the different small, ancillary things that you’re confused about. All of the small decisions that you need to make in order to inch your way forward and make progress. Get as specific as you possibly can. 

And then check in with yourself. What is it that you want to do here? Now, you may have some frustration around competing or limited resources, wanting to do all of it all at once as fast as you possibly can. That’s not going to be available to you. You’re either going to have to spread your financial resources amongst different things, which will make all of your goals be achieved more slowly. That’s not a problem if you don’t think it is. 

If you want to achieve each goal as quickly as possible, you’re probably going to have to go one by one and prioritize. So which thing is most important to you? Again, there are no right or wrong answers here. You just have to work through your confusion and come up with an answer that works for you. 

Now, these are just a few examples. Maybe I identified some of the things you’re currently confused about. Maybe there’s something else. Whatever it is that you’re currently confused about, I want you to test this process out for yourself before going back to the normal course of business in your day. 

After you get done with this episode, I want you to take a second and pick something on that confusion list that you identified earlier in the episode and give yourself just two or three minutes to work through your confusion. Create that time and space for yourself. And force yourself to answer your own questions, just like you would feel compelled if we were in a two-person conversation; to come up with answers in response to my questions. 

Give yourself that space. Hold yourself accountable. Force yourself to come up with those answers, the answers that create clarity for you and allow yourself to move forward. You just need to give yourself space free from distractions, focused time, and your brain will solve what it is confused about. Our brains are so powerful. You just need to trust in yourself that you have the answers within you. And I promise you, you do. 

Whenever my clients tell me that they don’t have the answer to something … They tell me, “Olivia, I just don’t know.” And then I ask them, “Okay, but what if you did know? What if you just guessed? What if you just offered me the first thing that comes to your mind?” … they always come up with something.

Now, at that moment I’m holding them accountable. Because I’m not distracting them and I’m not letting them get distracted. I’m just holding silent space for them to come up with an answer. But they always come up with an answer when I do this. And this is something you can do for yourself as well.

Create the space by sitting in the confusion for a couple minutes. The world abhors a vacuum, so your brain will offer you answers if you give it the space to do so. If you face some resistance and you’re being a little indignant in that energy, force yourself to guess. Force yourself to come up with an answer. It doesn’t have to be the perfect answer. It doesn’t have to be the best answer. It doesn’t have to be the right answer. Just force yourself to come up with an answer. Okay? 

That’s how you work through your own confusion. Go give it a try and see for yourself how much more decisive you become. How much more progress you begin making as a result of that decisiveness. You’re absolutely going to get addicted to this process in the best way. You’re really going to love it. 

And you will have this skill set for life, once you start to practice and master it. Confusion will no longer be an obstacle for you, because you’ll know how to work your way out of it by working your way through it. All right? Have fun with this. 

That’s what I’ve got for you this week. I hope you have a beautiful week, and I will talk to you in the next episode.

Thanks for listening to The Less Stressed Lawyer podcast. If you want more info about Olivia Vizachero or the show’s notes and resources from today’s episode, visit www.TheLessStressedLawyer.com.