Episode 114: When Something “Bad” Happens

You’re listening to The Less Stressed Lawyer podcast, Episode 114. Today, we’re talking all about when something bad happens. You ready? Let’s go.

Welcome to The Less Stressed Lawyer, the only podcast that teaches you how to manage your mind so you can live a life with less stress and far more fulfilment. If you’re a lawyer who’s over the overwhelm and tired of trying to hustle your way to happiness, you’re in the right place. Now, here’s your host, lawyer turned life coach Olivia Vizachero.

Well, hello there. How are we doing today? I hope your week is off to a good start. I am really excited to talk to you about today’s topic, when something bad happens.

And if you will notice, the title of this podcast episode, “bad” is in quotation marks because I want you to remember that “bad” is subjective. It’s a thought. It’s not a fact that something “bad” happens to you.

There are the facts of what happened and then there’s your opinion about it, that it’s something that is bad. But there are things that will happen to us in our lives that we will want to think is bad, or are bad, okay? There are going to be circumstances that we’re not going to want to think are good. 

The point of coaching isn’t for you to think that everything is positive, to think that everything is amazing 100% of the time. That’s not realistic. There’s plenty that goes on in the world that I want to think negative thoughts about. 

But you have a choice to make when you encounter something “bad”, when you experience it. And that’s what I want to talk about in today’s episode. This came up recently. I was coaching one of my clients and we were talking about a situation that this client was experiencing, and I noticed that this person had a choice. 

They could continue to argue with the situation and wish that it was different. Really just arguing with reality, and when we do that nothing gets better because we can’t change how someone else behaves, or what someone else does. We don’t have control over another person. All we can control is ourselves.

So when something bad happens to you, I want to give you a framework for how you can navigate these moments. The first step is when something “bad” happens, when you encounter a circumstance that you don’t like, that you think negative thoughts about, what I want you to do from the get go, right off the bat, is decide who you want to be in this situation.

How do you want to respond to it? And you really have one of two choices. The first option is to just dwell on it and to argue with reality and to keep arguing with the situation, the facts as they’ve already unfolded, and you’re just going to stay stuck in your negativity, in the negative story that you’ve immersed yourself in. Nothing is going to get better. All right? 

You’re just going to stay there feeling all of the negative emotion that you’re creating for yourself with your thinking; because facts don’t cause our feelings. Our thoughts about the facts do. And you’re just going to stay stuck in that negative experience. You’re not going to do anything differently. You’re not going to do anything to pull yourself out of it, to move forward. You’re just going to stay stuck. 

So that’s the first option. You can dwell and keep arguing with what has already happened and believe that it should be different than it is. All right? I don’t recommend choosing that option. 

The second option is for you to check into problem solving mode. Okay? And this is going to be focusing on what is within your control. You’re going to do whatever is within your ability to do, and you’re going to move forward. Those are your two options. So I highly recommend you pick the second option. 

Now, if you take me up on this suggestion, and you pick option number two, you encounter a “bad” situation, something “bad” happens, and you decide, “I’m not going to dwell on this. I’m not going to argue with what is, with what’s already come to pass. I’m going to focus on what’s within my control and move forward.”

Then here’s what you’re going to do. The first thing that you’re going to do, after you make the decision of who you want to be in this moment, is separate the facts from the story you’re telling about them. All right? And this is going to help you gain a different perspective. 

So you want to find the circumstance, the true circumstance, just the facts, which are totally neutral until you think your negative thoughts about them. Okay? So you’re going to separate the facts from the story that you’re telling about it. 

And then you’re going to go through the list of thoughts, which that’s all the story you’re thinking about the factual situation, and you’re going to make intentional decisions about which thoughts you want to keep and which ones you want to replace. 

Sometimes we’re going to choose to continue thinking some negative thoughts. We don’t want to see the situation any differently. But other times we’re not going to want to keep choosing to think the negative thoughts. Okay? 

So you’re going to go through, separate the facts from the story you’re telling about them, and then be very intentional with choosing to keep certain negative thoughts and then replace other ones. 

And you can, as you write this out, circle the ones you want to keep and cross out the ones you want to replace. And I think it’s really effective for you to, just in that moment, go through and write out what you could choose to think instead of the negative thought that you want to replace. What’s a slightly better thought you could choose to think. Okay? 

From there, now that you’ve gotten a different perspective on the situation that you’re facing, we can start to move forward. So the first thing you’re going to do after you’ve done that thought work, you’re going to make a list of the things that are within your control. And then you’re going to make a second list of everything that’s outside of your control in this given situation. 

So things that are within your control: How you think about the situation. How you feel about the situation. And then all of the things that you do in response to the situation. And I want you to get very specific. What are all of the things that you can do that you have complete control over? What are all of the actions that you can take, steps you can take to move forward, decisions you can make? List out all of the things that are within your control. 

And then you’re going to go through and make a comprehensive list of the things that aren’t within your control: What other people say. How other people feel. What other people do. Wow, other people think. None of that’s within your control. Anything that’s already happened that you can’t change, that’s not within your control. So you want to get really clear on the things that aren’t within your control. 

And the last step is you’re going to make an action plan for what you’re going to do to move forward. So this is when you tap into problem-solving mode. Based on what’s within your control, focusing all of your energy and attention there, what are you going to do to move forward? Make your game plan and then go execute it. 

When you approach “bad” situations from this perspective, walking through this framework, it’s going to keep you out of victim mode. Out of that victim mentality where you’re really indulging in self-pity. When you’re dwelling and arguing with reality and just immersing yourself in the negative story that you’re telling yourself about the situation that you’re facing. 

You’re really feeling sorry for yourself. It’s very, “woe is me,” thinking that it shouldn’t be happening the way that it’s happening and then just continuing to take issue with how it’s happened. 

You’re not going to get to a better place if that’s how you approach these “negative” situations. All right? Do you want to be a dweller, or do you want to be a problem solver? If you want to be a problem solver, then you’ve got to approach this by going through getting your mindset right, first and foremost. 

By separating fact from the story you’re telling about it, eliminating the thoughts that aren’t serving you, and then making that list of what’s within your control and what’s not within your control. That’s going to help you release your attachment to trying to control things that you don’t have any control over. Which may sound disempowering, but it’s actually not. 

It’s so much more empowering for you to be crystal clear on what’s within your control and what’s not within your control, and for you to spend absolutely no time trying to control something that you don’t have control over, and focusing all of your energy and attention to what you do have control over. 

And then, because you’ve made the decision to be a problem solver, you’re going to move forward and actually engage in problem solving by doing what you can do to make the situation better. To move forward. To get to a better place.

So let’s walk through a few examples so you can see how this framework applies. All right? The first example we’re going to use is that you’re working for a client and out of the blue, they reach out to you and they let you know that they don’t want to work with you anymore. They want to hire another attorney. They want to hire someone else. They want to go in a different direction.

Do you feel all of this negative emotion come up? Maybe you’re feeling resentful. You’re feeling really rejected, disappointed, offended, angry, hurt. Identify your emotions. Get really clear on what’s coming up, but then see how you’re likely to respond when you’re in all of that negative emotion. 

Are you arguing with reality? Are you dwelling on it? Are you thinking that they shouldn’t have done that? That it’s so unfair? That they should be treating you differently than they are? If you’re dwelling, and you’re arguing with what has already happened, and you’re thinking that they’re doing everything wrong, and that it shouldn’t be unfolding this way, this is where you have to make the first decision. 

Decide who you want to be in this situation. Do you want to be someone who dwells and feels sorry for themselves, takes issue with what’s already happened, and argues with reality and fights the facts? Or do you want to empower yourself? Focus only on what’s within your control, problem solve, and move forward? 

Like I said earlier, I highly recommend you pick option number two. It’s way more empowering. From there, what you’re going to do is separate the facts from the story you’re telling about them. All right?

So the fact is they either said, “I don’t want to work with you anymore,” or they emailed you and said, “I decided to hire a different attorney instead.” Whatever the circumstances, you want to identify that.

Then make a list of all of the thoughts that you’re thinking about those facts. What are you making it mean that they fired you? That they hired someone else to handle their matter, to represent them? 

You might be making it mean that you’re not going to hit your revenue targets, or that you’re not going to be successful, or that it’s going to be harder to hit your income goals, or that they shouldn’t have done this. That it’s really unfair, that they didn’t appreciate you, they didn’t value you, that they’re being disrespectful. Or they’re not being courteous or thoughtful, that you deserve better than this. 

Make a list of all the thoughts, and then you’re going to go through and decide which ones do you want to keep and which ones do you want to replace? You might want to feel hurt. You might choose to feel hurt, and that comes from thinking that what they did was mean, or what they did was hurtful.

Or that after all of the hard work, you’re surprised that they went in this direction. That might not make you feel hurt, that might make you feel more shocked or surprised or caught off guard. But those might be emotions and thoughts that you want to keep. 

But thinking that it shouldn’t have happened or that it’s not fair, those might be thoughts that you’re willing to get rid of. Especially thinking, “It shouldn’t happen,” if it already did happen. I highly recommend getting rid of any of those thoughts. Or that bad things are going to come in the future, that you’re not going to hit the revenue that you want to hit. 

You don’t know that. Just because a client fires you doesn’t mean that you can’t hit your goals. So like I said, go through and identify which thoughts you want to keep, if any, and then which thoughts you want to get rid of. And figure out what you can choose to think instead about the situation that might make you feel a little bit better about that. 

From there, go through and make a list. What’s within your control? What’s outside of your control? You can control how you market going forward. You can control signing new clients; going out networking and developing business. You can control continuing to do work for your other clients so you don’t have a billing deficit. That’s within your control.

You can control how you respond to this particular client. You can get angry with them and argue with them, or you can just release them and let them move on. What’s not within your control? The client’s decision. They get to do what they want to do because they have free will, all right? 

So you can’t control what this individual client does. You can just control what you do. So from that place, make the decision to focus only on what’s within your control and make a plan for how you’re going to move forward.

How are you going to release this client? What will you say in response? How will you wrap up handling their matter? And then, how will you devote your time moving forward in order to tap into that problem-solving energy and focus on bridging perhaps the revenue gap? Moving forward, developing new business, continuing to represent your other clients. 

Make your game plan for how you’re going to proceed and then go execute it. All right?

Example number two. Let’s say a client asks you to write off some of your time. When this happens, decide who you want to be in this moment, in this situation, all right? You can dwell on it, and you can argue with the fact that they asked you to write off some of your time. And you can think, “They shouldn’t have done this. This is so disrespectful. I can’t believe that they did this.” 

Or you can focus on what’s within your control and decide to tap into your problem-solving energy and move forward. Okay? Like I said, I recommend you pick option number two. 

From there, you’re going to separate facts from story. They simply asked you to write off some of your time, that’s the facts. What’s the story you’re telling about it? Some of those thoughts that I just mentioned a moment ago. 

So you’re going to go through and list out all of your thoughts that you’re thinking about this fact. And then you’re going to decide which negative thoughts do you want to keep and which ones do you want to replace? I highly recommend getting rid of the thought, “I can’t believe they asked for this.” 

I would choose to think, “Clients get to ask for whatever they want and it’s my job to set and honor my own boundaries.” Just because someone asks me for something it doesn’t mean I have to oblige. It doesn’t mean I have to give it to them. All right? They’re welcome to ask, and I’m welcome to say no. 

I actually can believe it. I think people like to test the limits, push the envelope, and see what discounts they can get. I think that’s all normal, well and good. It’s not a problem for me. It’s my job to just simply respond and say, “No, I’m not willing to do that.” And then I get to decide if I want to keep working with someone who asks me to write off my time moving forward. 

Now one thought you might be thinking is, “I wouldn’t ask someone else to do this.” That might be a negative thought that you want to keep, because you don’t want to change how you would approach a situation like this if you were the client, not the service provider. All right? So that might be a thought that you want to keep. But there are other thoughts that you can replace. 

So you’re going to go through, make your list of all the thoughts you’re thinking, gain a different perspective, and shift your thinking where it makes sense to shift it. From there, you’re going to make a list… Again, to get some additional perspective… What’s within your control? What’s not within your control? 

You are not able to control whether a client asks you to write off some of your time. What’s within your control is whether or not you grant the request, how you communicate your boundary to the client moving forward, and whether you continue to do work for this client. All right? All of that’s within your control.

From that list of what’s within your control, you’re going to make a game plan for how you’re going to move forward. Maybe you decide to deny the request. To communicate to your client you don’t write off your time, and then set a boundary. 

“If this comes up again, I will conclude representing you. I’ll wrap up the matter, and you can happily go work with someone else. I totally understand if you want to work with someone who doesn’t charge as much as me. That’s definitely within your power, within your right to do so. But this is what I charge, and it’s not open for discussion. If you continue to keep raising it, I’m going to choose to conclude my representation of you.” 

That’s something that’s within your control. So make your game plan for how you’re going to proceed. All right? 

Example number three. You go out for a promotion, or you’re going out for a new job, and you don’t get it. That’s the “bad” thing that happens to you. At this moment, when you get the no, when you get the answer that you didn’t get the promotion or the job that you were hoping to get, decide who you want to be in this moment. 

Do you want to dwell? Do you want to argue with what has just happened, with the news you just received? Or do you want to tap into your problem-solving abilities and focus on what’s within your control and move forward? 

If you choose option number two, and you get out of the “woe is me”, and you’re willing to take action and focus on what’s within your control, then you’re going to separate fact from story. There’s the fact you did not get the promotion. Maybe you didn’t make partner, you didn’t get a raise, you didn’t get a job. Whatever the case may be, find the facts. 

And then, what’s the story you’re telling yourself about them? “I deserved that. I should have got it. This isn’t fair. I have to start all over.” These are all thoughts people think in these situations. So you’re going to go through and decide which negative thoughts you want to keep and which ones you want to get rid of. 

I’ve done an episode on thoughts that have the word “deserving” in them, or “deserve”. I think those are problematic thoughts. I might focus on the fact that I think that I am qualified for a position. That might help me shift out of some of the negative energy that comes from believing I deserve something that I didn’t get and feeling slighted or cheated. Okay? 

I might choose to think, “Instead of believing that it should have happened differently than it did, that it happened for me, even if I can’t see the reasoning why yet, I believe that anything “bad” that happens to me is happening for me.” All right? 

Instead of thinking that you have to start all over, think that you’re not starting from scratch. That you’re able to go after this goal again, but this time with more information. If you evaluate what you did this last time, that didn’t get you the result that you wanted, you can leverage the learning that you get from the evaluation and apply that learning moving forward so you’re actually a step ahead of the game. All right? 

Now, you may choose to keep the thought, “That it isn’t fair.” Whenever thoughts around the concept of fairness come up, I just remind myself that life isn’t fair. Which isn’t a super positive thought, but it is a thought in “bad” situations that I may choose to keep and think intentionally because, like I said, the point of coaching isn’t to think all positive thoughts all the time. 

You get to keep your negative thoughts if you want to. You just want to be really intentional about which ones you choose to keep thinking and make sure they’re not hindering you too severely. Okay? 

Thinking that something’s not fair, if you can also add in and remind yourself that life doesn’t need to be fair and that it often is not fair, that isn’t that bad. Okay? That’s not arguing with reality in the same way that thinking that something should have happened differently than it did, which is really going to keep you stuck in this loop where you’re not moving forward. 

From there, you’ve separated fact from story. You’ve figured out which thoughts are going to keep, which thoughts you want to replace, and you’ve replaced them. Go ahead and make a list of what’s within your control and what’s not within your control.

What’s within your control is whether you go for a promotion or that raise or another job again. You can control how you interview. You can control gathering more information to figure out where you might not have met certain qualifications. How you can approach the situation differently next time, in order to make your case stronger for why you are worthy or deserve that position. Why you’re qualified to have it and fill that role.

You can also just not give up. That’s within your control. Just keep going after it. All right? Working on it, and figuring out where you can improve along the way. You can control your thoughts about it, how you feel about it, refusing to quit, just taking quitting off the table entirely, all of that’s within your control. Which jobs you apply for, how many jobs you apply for, which positions you go after, all of that’s within your control. 

What’s not within your control is whether a particular individual or organization hires you or gives you the money that you’ve requested. You can’t control their decision making. All right? Now you can figure out how they make decisions, what factors they take into consideration, and you can work to bolster your resume, bolster your experience and your background, to better qualify for something. 

But ultimately, you are not in control of their individual decision making. So that’s something you’ve got to release control over because it’s not within your control to begin with.

From there, focusing solely on what’s within your control, you’re going to make an action plan for how you will move forward, how you will solve this problem. What are you going to do that you have complete control over? And then go execute, go implement that action plan. 

Last but not least, I want to talk about when something “bad” happens in your personal life. Okay? When something bad happens in your personal life, the process is exactly the same. 

Let’s say a family member gets sick, or maybe your spouse asks you for a divorce. Decide who you want to be in this situation. You can dwell and you can argue with reality, take issue with what’s happened, think that it should be happening differently than it is. Or you can decide to focus solely on what’s within your control and move forward. 

So separate facts from the story you’re telling about them. Figure out what thoughts you want to keep and what thoughts you want to replace. Make a list of them. Go through one by one. 

If a family member of mine gets sick, I’m going to want to think negative thoughts about this. I’m going to want to feel sad. I’m an only child. One of my greatest fears is my parents getting sick and my parents passing. I don’t want to think happy thoughts if either of those things happen. And I’ve had to work on accepting that I lack control over how my parents age and what their health is like as they get older. 

That’s not something I have control over, so that makes me feel pretty powerless. But that’s a thought that I’m going to choose to keep. Because it is something that’s outside of my control, I don’t get to control how they age. I don’t get to control what they do that factors into how they age, because they’re their own human beings and they’ve got their own free will. All right? 

So I’m going to figure out what thoughts I want to keep, what thoughts I want to replace, and from there I’m going to make a list so I gain some greater perspective over how I can move forward. 

What’s within my control? What’s not within my control in this instance? I’ve worked with clients before who have gotten divorced and they really didn’t anticipate getting divorced. It wasn’t in their game plan. They thought that they were going to be with their partner forever. 

And I can relate to that myself, having not expected certain relationships to unfold the way that they did in my own life. I’ve had to go through this process of figuring out who do I want to be in this situation, and then separating facts from the story I’m telling about them. Figuring out what thoughts are super painful that I want to replace and what thoughts that are negative that I’m willing to keep.

And from there, figuring out what I have control over and what I don’t. I can control how I move forward, what I choose to think about a situation, what emotions I choose to allow and process and sit with, what positive emotions or more neutral emotions I want to cultivate for myself. What I can’t control is what my partner does.

I don’t have control over them, what they ask for, what they want for their own life. Whether we want the same things or not, I don’t have control over that. So in either of these instances, or in whatever situation you’re currently dealing with that you perceive to be “bad”, go through, figure out what’s within your control, what’s not within your control, and then make a game plan for how you’re going to move forward.

How you will problem solve what you will do, that’s only within your control. And then release any attachment to what’s not within your control. This is how you’re going to help yourself feel really productive, even in situations where you feel pretty powerless. Okay? 

You’re going to focus your attention on what’s within your control, make a game plan that focuses solely on that, and then go implement that game plan.

Maybe you can offer some emotional support to a struggling family member. Maybe you can listen to them when they talk about their health concerns or their troubles or their own frustrations. Maybe you can be a caregiver some of the time. Maybe you can pay for some aid. 

Now, I’m not suggesting that these are the “right” things to do. There is no right thing to do, there’s just what you’re able to do. Okay? So focus on what’s within your control and only do that.

If you don’t have the ability to offer caregiving support, that’s okay. If you don’t have the ability to offer financial assistance, that’s okay. If it’s the end of a relationship dynamic instead of the sick family member dynamic, what’s within your control? 

Whether you fight someone, how you fight them going through the process, whether you acquiesce, that’s within your control. What you ask for, what you seek, what you don’t ask for, what you don’t seek, those are things that are within your control. 

Whether you choose to move forward and date or you don’t, you give yourself just time to heal, that’s within your control. Totally up to you. But focus on what you have control over and release your attachment to the stuff that you don’t.

We really want to get you out of that energy where you’re dwelling and you’re arguing with what has already happened, or with what will happen moving forward. That’s outside of your control. Because if anything’s going to make you feel powerless, it’s focusing on trying to control what you don’t have control over. 

That’s really my game plan for you, or my goal for you, is to get you out of that state of mind and that focus, and focus instead on what’s within your power, in your control, and spending your time and energy there. All right? I hope this helps, when “bad” stuff happens, moving forward. Apply this framework. I think it will bring you a lot of peace, and it will be a much more productive use of your time, however you choose to spend that time.

That’s what I’ve got for you this week, my friends. I hope you find it helpful. I hope you have a beautiful week, and I will talk to you in the next episode.

Thanks for listening to The Less Stressed Lawyer podcast. If you want more info about Olivia Vizachero or the show’s notes and resources from today’s episode, visit www.TheLessStressedLawyer.com.