Month: November 2022

You’re listening to The Less Stressed Lawyer Podcast, episode 38. Today, we’re talking all about how you don’t need other people’s support. You ready? Let’s go.

Welcome to The Less Stressed Lawyer, the only podcast that teaches you how to manage your mind so you can live a life with less stress and far more fulfillment. If you’re a lawyer who’s over the overwhelm and tired of trying to hustle your way to happiness, you’re in the right place. Now, here’s your host, lawyer turned life coach, Olivia Vizachero.

Hi, my friends. How we doing today? I hope all is well for you. Things are going super well for me too.

I’m prepping for the upcoming holiday for Thanksgiving, and right now I’m kind of bopping around the U.S. I just left Phoenix. I went to Phoenix for this life coaching event called Life Coach Live, with my coaching school, the Life Coach School. And man, let me tell you, it was incredible.

I always think that you’re either a conference person or you’re not a conference person. I am definitely a conference person. This is why I host my own live events twice a year with the Less Stressed Lawyer Mastermind. I just love being there in person. You get to meet everyone, make new friends, get to reconnect with the old friends that you’ve made if you’ve gone to previous events with them, which that’s what this was for me, it was a big reunion.

And my cousin Emily came with me this time, so I got to introduce her to a ton of my friends in the coaching industry, which was just really great. We had so much fun, and we learned a ton. I got to see my coach, Brooke Castillo, coach at a really expert level. So it was super inspirational. And after Phoenix, I hopped on over to California, where I’m here to connect with a good friend of mine who’s also a coach. We’re going to go to dinner. And then, I’m going to fly back home and celebrate Thanksgiving.

Now, I’ve done a couple long episodes recently, so I’m going to keep today’s really short and sweet. But while I was in Phoenix, a lot of people there who weren’t coaches yet, they made the decision to become certified life coaches. And it really made me think of when I made that decision several years ago, back in 2018. And I actually made a little bit of a speech at a luncheon while I was in Phoenix, to talk to the people who had just made that decision about what their experience might be like when they come back home. Because when you’re at a conference, you’re really hyped up. You’re just riding the adrenaline. You’re in this immersive environment, and it’s so inspiring, you’re really motivated.

And then, you go home, back to your regular life. And you’re going to tell people that you’re making probably a significant change. Now, you could, of course, get certified to be a coach and not do anything with it, but most of these people want to do what I did, which is to change careers and run a business. And when I made that decision, my parents were not the most supportive people. And we joke about it now, my parents are really lovely and we’re really close. So they tell everyone, they shout it from a rooftop, they’re like, “We were not on board with her decision to quit Big Law and make this change.”

But one of the things that I had to come to terms with when I did make that decision to get certified and ultimately leave the practice of law to start this business, was that I was going to have to do it without their support. And I’m not talking financial support, and I didn’t get that either, but I didn’t need that. I’m talking about the emotional support that comes from making a really big change in your life and wanting other people to co-sign it, wanting them to be on board, wanting them to support you, wanting them to cheer you on. They were not doing that when I decided to make the jump.

And for a little while, I’ll be really honest with you, I was very frustrated and really hurt that they didn’t believe in me, that they weren’t being supportive, that they didn’t have my back. And of course, think about the model, think about how you show up in your relationships when you’re frustrated and hurt and discouraged, not good. So this really impacted my relationship with my parents for a couple years, while I was getting this business off of the ground.

Like I said, now that I’m successful at it, they have no problem with it. They’re really supportive. They’re definitely on board. But in the beginning, before I had successful results from making this shift, they were really nervous for me, so it showed. They acted nervous, they acted worried, they acted scared. Now, for a while, I tried to convince them to be supportive. And I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to convince someone else to be supportive, but it was not effective. I promise you, it did not work.

So I kind of stewed in my frustration and disappointment for a little while. But then I coached myself and I finally got to the point where I recognized I didn’t need their support. The only person who had to support my dream and my vision was me. And when other people make big changes in their lives, I always want them to know that. I always want them to know that you don’t need their support, whoever they is in your life.

Maybe it’s your parents, maybe it’s your spouse, maybe it’s your siblings, maybe it’s your friends, whatever the case is, you don’t need their support to make a change. So if there’s some change that you want to make in your life right now, and you’re hesitating because people aren’t behind you, they’re not supporting you, they don’t have your back, and you’re really frustrated and disappointed and hurt, just like I was, I want you to know you don’t need them to support you.

Now, would it be nice to have their support? Sure, of course. Yes, it would probably be lovely, but you don’t need it, all right? It’s not their job to believe in you. They probably have a hard enough time believing in themselves. The only person who needs to believe in you is you.

One of the guiding core principles of my life these days is that I never take advice or seek advice from anyone who has not done what I am looking to do. So in this example, neither of my parents had ever quit their jobs and gotten certified as a coach and started a coaching business. And my dad, he is a business owner, but he didn’t start his business from scratch. He works in a family business.

Now, he runs it exceptionally, but the startup thing is a little bit different. So even that, he’s successfully run a business, but he didn’t start it. So to listen to them and have their beliefs inform what I’m capable of, that’s a recipe for disaster, simply because they don’t know. They don’t know how to start a business. They don’t know how to make that big type of change. They’ve never done it.

And if you are contemplating making a change and you are listening to people who also haven’t done it, you’re probably going to experience something that is really similar to this process that I went through, where people don’t support you, they don’t have your back, they’re giving you all of their limiting beliefs, all of their fears, all of their worries. They’re probably telling you that you’re crazy and that you can’t do it and that it won’t work and that it’s a bad idea.

And they’re doing this from a place of love, for sure. My parents love me. I had a very prestigious job that they didn’t have to go to every day. So easy for them to say that I shouldn’t leave it. It looked really good on paper. They thought it provided a lot of financial security. And I stopped believing that it did, because I knew that running this business would provide me with more financial security. But again, they weren’t in the circles that I was in. They weren’t consuming the content that I was consuming. They weren’t listening to the coaches and the entrepreneurs that I was listening to. So of course, they lacked belief. Of course, your people will lack belief too, whatever change that you are contemplating making.

If you are craving someone else’s support, you do not need it. Like I said, the only person who needs to believe in you is you. Make that your business. I want you to take that on as your full-time job. You don’t need their support. You can and will be just fine without it. I want you to believe in yourself and what you are doing enough for both of you, enough for you, and enough for them. Build your beliefs so strong that it’s unwavering, impenetrable, impervious, resolute.

A few years ago, when my business was starting to get a little bit of traction, but I wasn’t really making any money yet, my dad called me and he floated this idea by me, to start a side hustle. And in his mind, it was such a safer bet than the business that I was running because he understood it. The side hustle was to create a tangible product that I would sell on the internet. And he was so excited about it because in his mind, it was the safer, more secure choice. And he offered to support me doing that. He offered to back me financially. He offered to do all of this stuff.

And I remember I really felt the momentum in my business at that time. I knew that I was just a few weeks away from starting to make money as a life coach and to get things going in my business, be off to the races, so to speak. And he called me twice. He was so enthusiastic, and I finally realized, I was like, “Oh, he believes in this side gig so much more than in what I’m doing.” And I just asked him that. I was like, “You don’t think what I’m doing is going to work, do you?” And he was really lovely. He was honest. He’s like, “No, I don’t think it’s going to work, and I don’t understand it at all.”

And I just took a deep breath. I felt so calm at the time. I didn’t get frustrated. I wasn’t disappointed or discouraged or hurt. And I just dropped into my own belief. And I studied myself, and I said, “I’m going to believe in this enough for the both of us. I’m going to believe in me enough for the both of us. I’m going to believe in what I’m creating enough for the both of us.” And I did. I let him be worried. I let him misunderstand and not understand what I was doing.

So there’s going to be people who don’t believe in what you are doing. They’re going to think that you’re doing it wrong. They’re going to think that you’re making a mistake, that you’re being foolish or irresponsible, and all of that is okay. You don’t need their support. You don’t need them to understand you. You don’t need them to cosign anything that you do. You get to believe in what you’re doing, the decisions you’re making, the path that you’re forging enough for the both of you.

You get to believe for you, and you get to believe for them. And what I want to offer you is that when you pursue something relentlessly like I have with this business, and you make it a success, which you will if you do not quit, and you gag and go, and you keep showing up, doing all the things, evaluating, taking action, auditing, and adapting, all the things that I teach you, if you keep doing that, you will be successful.

And when people see your success, they co-sign it then. They get on board then. And it makes sense, because then they don’t have to worry about you. So they get to drop their worry and their fear and their limiting beliefs, and then they get to support you. So the support is really just delayed. People will come around, I promise you. Success speaks volumes. But in the beginning, you’re going to have to do it without their support. And that’s 100% okay.

With that in mind, I want you to go out and do big things. You can do it scared, you can do it unsupported. The only person who needs to have your back is you. All right, my friends, have a beautiful week. I will talk to you in the next episode.

Thanks for listening to The Less Stressed Lawyer podcast. If you want more info about Olivia Vizachero or the show’s notes and resources from today’s episode, visit www.TheLessStressedLawyer.com

You’re listening to The Less Stressed Lawyer podcast, Episode 37. We’re talking all about navigating your year-end reviews. You ready? Let’s go.

Welcome to The Less Stressed Lawyer, the only podcast that teaches you how to manage your mind so you can live a life with less stress and far more fulfillment. If you’re a lawyer who’s over the overwhelm and tired of trying to hustle your way to happiness, you’re in the right place. Now, here’s your host, lawyer turned life coach, Olivia Vizachero.

Hi, my babes. How are we doing today? I hope all is well with you. It’s been a busy few weeks over here. I’ve been launching the Mastermind, and that’s been so exciting to see the new cohort coming together. I cannot wait to be in Charleston with everyone who joined. I think it’s really fun to think about what we’re going to create in the new year together; what we’re going to make out of 2023.

I like to say, you know, “Let’s make 2023 one for the books.” I really intend to do that with this group, and with all of my one-on-one clients, too. But I just really cannot wait to dive in and make the most out of the new year. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like to wait until the first of the year to make plans for the next year. I really think the January 1^st is sort of too late, you’re already behind the eight ball a little bit. So, I love to line up my year right now.

I actually just applied and was accepted to my business coach’s mastermind, which kicks off in January. And it’s just such a relief to have that squared away. To know exactly what I’m going to be doing for my personal development, my business development, in the new year. So, it’s not something I need to think about anymore. I just really love that.

If you’re looking to invest in yourself, which is what the last episode was about, and you really want to join a program where it’s kind of all figured out for you. So, you don’t have to do the heavy lifting, figuring out what you need to grow, what you need to learn in order to develop. I do all that work for you. So, if you’re looking to have your 2023 dialed in, go to my website, TheLessStressedLawyer.com, head on over to the Mastermind page, and join; join me in Charleston, in 2023.

Speaking of New Year’s and years that are coming to an end, one of the topics that I talk to my clients about a ton, especially this time of year, is year-end reviews. This is a hotly contested kind of like love-hate relationship topic. A lot of people dread this time of year. Whether it’s writing their end of year memo, highlighting their achievements, meeting with their supervisors.

Or, maybe you have to do reviews for someone else, because you’re a supervisor. Maybe you have to advocate for yourself, or you want to advocate for yourself, but it feels really uncomfortable. Or, you get feedback, and that process is really hard.

You probably might not be thrilled about what’s coming down the pike. So, if that’s you, if that really resonates with you, that’s what I want to talk about in this episode. All right, I’m gonna break this episode up into two different stages. I want to talk first about navigating the year and review process if you’re someone who is being reviewed. And then, I’ll get into how to navigate it if you’re someone who is reviewing others.

Okay, so if you’re being reviewed, the first place that we want to check in, is do you have some sort of formal process that’s in place for your annual review? And if you don’t, I really want to encourage you to come up with one. I think that this is actually a really meaningful part of your year. And, not a lot of employers think through and create a formal process.

So, if your employer doesn’t have that, I want you to think about it and come up with one yourself. Now, you don’t have to create companywide change. You can just make sure that you do this for yourself. So, you’re really taking advantage of any opportunity that you have to advocate for yourself, creating that opportunity, perhaps.

But you want to make sure that you leverage these annual potentials to make more money, to get promoted, to have better opportunity, all of that. So, create a formal process if you don’t have one.

If you do have one, now these might differ, the different ranges of a formal process. When I worked in big law, we had a really formal process. So, you had to, as an associate, draft a year-end memo highlighting all of your achievements and your contributions to the firm. And then, you met with your practice group leader, and you discussed your year-end memo. Then, they went to the compensation committee and advocated on your behalf for whatever your bonus was going to be.

As much as, if I’m being really honest, I dreaded that process while I was there, I really have come to appreciate it; how formal it is. And when supervisors are managing a lot of people it’s really hard for them to A; remember all of your accomplishments throughout the year, and to know, in detail, the level of contribution that you gave to the organization.

So, I talk to a lot of people who are like, “I shouldn’t have to do this. My supervisor should know.” I really want to caution you, if that is your mindset with this, they’re not going to know the same way that you know; it’s your life. It’s your career. You’re the person who’s best situated to remember these things, best situated to advocate for yourself. It is not a problem that you need to advocate for yourself, or that you should advocate for yourself.

Now, if your firm doesn’t require year-end memos, or your organization doesn’t require year-end memos, I recommend you create one. Either to submit to a supervisor, or at least, to have yourself, so you can navigate your year-end review with a lot more intentionality.

Okay, so go through and highlight: What are the big successes you’ve had? What are the areas of growth that you have experienced, or that you’ve encountered? What do you know how to do better than you knew how to do the year before?

If you’re in private practice, you might talk about originations that you had receivables, notable matters, any public facing media worthy cases or files that you worked on; you’d highlight all of that. And it creates this concise document where all of your accomplishments live.

I actually have a really good friend, she has a folder in her email inbox that she adds things to throughout the year, to make this process so much easier come year-end. So, you could send yourself emails when you do something that’s notable. Or, when you get praise from a client, or from one of the people that you work with. You drop it in that kudos folder, and then when it comes time to create this year-end memo, you’ve got everything right there; it’s so convenient.

Also, if you tend to beat yourself up, which a lot of my clients do, it’s really nice to have that kudos folder to review when your day is not going so hot, and you’re kind of down on yourself, and you’re feeling a little inadequate. It’s really nice to have that receptacle of all your noteworthy moments and all your praiseworthy achievements.

Now, let’s talk about mindset. Because if you go in to advocate for yourself, just orally, or you’re creating a year-end memo, like the one I just described to you, and you’re thinking thoughts, like; I hate talking about myself, this is stupid, I shouldn’t have to do this, it won’t make a difference, I don’t have time for this, and this is a waste of my time.

If you’re thinking any of those thoughts, then this is what’s going to happen: You’re going to feel embarrassed, uncomfortable, awkward, annoyed, probably pretty resentful, and definitely disengaged. You might even feel discouraged, or overwhelmed, or frustrated, or bothered.

If you’re feeling those emotions, when it comes to completing this year-end review process, even if it comes to not writing a memo like this, but just meeting with your supervisors and going through the year-end review process that way. If you’re thinking those thoughts and you’re feeling those feelings, then here’s what you end up doing: You squander an opportunity to sell yourself, all right?

You’ve heard me say it, time and time again, your thoughts create your results. Because your thoughts cause your feelings, your feelings drive your actions, and your actions produce your results. So, if you’re thinking these negative thoughts, and you’re conjuring up these negative emotions, because of the thoughts that you’re thinking, you’re going to take really negative action.

You’re not going to advocate well, so you’re really going to squander this opportunity that you have, to highlight your achievements. You aren’t going to make a compelling argument about you deserving a raise, about you deserving a promotion, about you deserving a bigger bonus.

You’re really going to undersell yourself. You’re not going to be inspiring confidence. You’re not going to compel people to advocate on your behalf. If people that you work with need to go speak to their higher-ups and make a compelling case for you, you’re not going to do that. So, you’re really going to undersell. You’re going to present yourself in an underwhelming manner.

And, that’s not going to leave a really remarkable impression on the people that are decision makers about your future; whether it’s income or opportunity. You really want to make sure that you’re putting your best foot forward. And if you’re thinking all of these negative thoughts and feeling these negative feelings, you’re not going to make that compelling argument that moves people to support you, to advocate for you, to reward you, any of that.

Here’s what we want to do instead. We want to make sure that you are never squandering advancement opportunities. So, we want to make sure that you’re making the most out of any chance that you have to self-advocate.

The first thing we have to do, in order to do that, is change your thoughts about the self-advocacy opportunity itself. Because you won’t take it seriously if you keep telling yourself that it’s a joke, right? That’s what a lot of people think about this process; that it’s a joke, that it’s not meaningful, that it doesn’t matter, that it’s stupid.

I tend to think that that’s a defense mechanism if I’m being really honest. It’s like, if we make light of this situation, then if it doesn’t go our way, it doesn’t have as much of an emotional impact. But I like to tell people to take every opportunity that they have for self-advancement and self-advocacy very seriously.

If you don’t take yourself seriously, no one else is going to. So, you want to make sure that you do take these moments really seriously. I don’t mean so seriously that you obsess over them; and that becomes problematic. But seriously enough to where you show up meaningfully to these conversations; whether it’s in writing, or through oral advocacy.

But you’re taking it seriously enough to really put your best foot forward and make an effort here. All right. So, we want to overhaul the way that you think about talking about yourself. Because if you keep telling yourself that you hate it, or that it’s hard, or that you don’t want to do it, you won’t do it. Or, you won’t do it well. At the very least, you’ll do it but not do it well.

But a lot of people, when they think this way about it and they have that sense of dread, because of their thoughts about self-advocacy, they never self-advocate; they just avoid it altogether. And, that’s what we want to make sure that you don’t do this year.

So, you have to start believing that it’s okay to speak about what you’ve accomplished. I talk to so many clients who are super uncomfortable talking about themselves. It’s one of the things that I always ask people really new in our work together; how do you feel talking about yourself? And drama normally comes up, through like; I’m not good at it. I don’t like to do it. I got taught that it’s really rude and arrogant. I was raised to be humble and not conceited.

So, they think that it’s a really bad thing to talk about themselves, when of course it’s not, especially in your professional career. And there’s a huge difference between being arrogant and just advocating for yourself. So, don’t conflate the two.

But if you were taught this growing up, that it’s rude, or improper to talk about yourself, you really want to a question that. Where did it come from? Who taught you that? Where did they learn it? Does it serve you? If your answer is no, it doesn’t serve you. And you realize that the people that taught it to you also learned some messed-up stuff about self-advocacy, then you can politely return these negative beliefs about self-advocacy.

What I see a lot of times, is that people, especially women, learned that it was impolite or not gracious to talk about yourself. That just keeps existing structures of power in power. So, if you’re a woman and you’re listening to this, and this doesn’t just relate to women, this relates to a lot of people, but I see it most prevalently with women.

So, if you’re a woman and you’re listening to this, I highly encourage you to do an overhaul on what you think about talking about yourself. You need to see it as your job, as your responsibility, as something that is completely acceptable. But for you, then whom? Right? I really want to encourage you to think that it’s no one else’s job, but yours to sing your praises.

I watch a lot of people expect their supervisors to do this for them. And with love, I think that’s kind of phoning it in; you’re really not taking responsibility, or ownership over whose role this is. And, it’s your role. It’s your job to sing your own praises, to advocate for yourself, to make the case. Okay? No one else’s.

It’s amazing if someone else supports you, if they mentor you, if they sponsor you. That’s kind of the buzzword over the past couple of years; sponsorship. Where someone’s really willing to go to bat for you and advocate on your behalf. But we don’t want to rely on that. It’s amazing if it happens. We just don’t want that to be the only ticket in town.

You want to be advocating for yourself, and if anyone else joins in, amazing. But we’re not going to rely on that alone. Also, I can’t state this enough, but I really want you to be assured that you’re the best person to talk about yourself. You are uniquely situated to intelligently talk about your accomplishments; you are going to know them more intimately than absolutely anyone else. So, you are the best person for this job.

Now, once you’ve overhauled your thinking in these two ways; so, you’ve changed your thoughts about this being a wasteful, stupid, worthless opportunity. And you who are now thinking of it as a unique opportunity for you to really highlight your notable moments from the year, your remarkable moments throughout the year. Your contributions that added a lot of value to your organization.

Once you started thinking about it in that way, and then you’ve accepted that it’s your responsibility to be the person who advocates on your behalf. And you’ve made peace with the fact that it’s not rude or arrogant to sing your own praises, to advocate for yourself. Then, what we have to do is we have to address your self-concept, we’ve got to give it a tune up.

Because if you don’t think highly of yourself, very candidly, yourself advocacy is going to suck. So, you really need to be your own hype person. In order to be effective as your own hype person, you want to start by finding out what you currently think about yourself, and your abilities, and what you’ve accomplished. As you do that, as you flesh out what your current self-concept is; what do you think about you, and the job you’re doing?

If it’s negative, we’ve got to make improvements. Otherwise, like I said, your self-advocacy is really going to come up short. So, you want to start talking to yourself in a manner where you’re highlighting; how capable you are, how accomplished you are, how proud of yourself you are, all that you’ve done, how remarkable that it is.

This isn’t to blow smoke up your “you know where”. But it’s to be a truth teller. To paint a picture of the ways that you’ve contributed, and the accomplishments that you’ve amassed throughout the year. You want to highlight all of that, and really sell yourself on how incredible you are.

Now, if you struggle to do this, what we want to start doing is defining what a good enough job is; we have to start there. I’ve done a whole podcast episode on “Defining Enough”. Because it’s really hard to feel accomplished if you don’t know what accomplishment looks like, or what you’re aiming for to begin with.

You want to define what a good enough job is, and then you want to evaluate yourself: Did I do it? Did I not? And you want to give heavy emphasis on all of the things that you did really well throughout the year. Okay?

Once you’ve done this, and you’ve identified what you’ve done well, how you’ve succeeded, your confidence is going to skyrocket. You’re going to become someone who’s so much less reliant on receiving external feedback and external validation. And really become someone who is able to provide that to themselves.

You’re gonna feel a hell of a lot more confident, more capable, more accomplished, more successful, more proud. How you advocate for yourself when you’re feeling that way, when you have a really high self-concept… Not an arrogant self-concept, just a confident, compelling self-concept, where you’re really sold on you. Where you’re sold on yourself, the value that you bring to the table, that is when you will be able to advocate for yourself in a really compelling way.

Now, once your self-concept is upgraded and your confidence is boosted, because you’ve changed the way that you talk to yourself, you changed the way that you think about yourself, and the story that you tell about all that you’ve done, then you’re in a really great place to start self-advocating.

From there, you want to make a self-advocacy game plan. All that is, is that you need to think about the information that you need to convey, and how you need to convey it, in order to advocate for yourself effectively. So, what do you want the people, who are in charge of your review, to know about you? What do you want to make sure they’re aware of? What is it that you’re asking for? What would you like to see happen?

You want to be really clear on the result that you’re aiming for. If you’re clear on the result that you’re aiming for, you’re going to make a more compelling argument that you deserve it. So, you really want to spend some time going through, asking, and answering yourself, some really commanding, powerful questions like:

Why am I a value-add? Why do I deserve X? Whatever it is; a promotion to make partner, more money, a bigger bonus. Make a compelling argument from that place of really grounded confidence.

Sell yourself on why you’re deserving of it. And then, when you’re in that place when you’re sold on you deserving it, sell yourself. Advocate. Go to town, all right. Now, speaking up for yourself is not going to feel super comfortable, at first. And, that is not a problem.

You can take action and speak up for yourself, in spite of and despite the discomfort of doing so. I always like my clients to identify the negative emotions that they anticipate that they’ll feel when they advocate for themselves. And, just build it into your plan. Decide; I’m going to feel those feelings on purpose. Whether it’s embarrassed, or arrogant, or rude, or impolite.

Whatever the case may be, whatever negative emotions come up. Maybe exposed or judged, because you think someone else is going to disagree with the way that you’re advocating about yourself; the things that you’re saying, the things that you’re highlighting.

So, there’s going to be some discomfort, and that’s totally fine. This isn’t going to feel intuitive or comfortable, at first. But that’s not a sufficient reason not to self-advocate. The truth is, and you hear me say this all the time, but there’s discomfort both ways; in speaking up for yourself, and not speaking up for yourself.

Only one of those two ways gets you closer to your goals. So, I highly recommend that you pick the path that gets you closer to the results that you want, over the one that doesn’t. If there’s discomfort both ways, don’t pick the path that maintains the status quo, pick the one that doesn’t; that gets you to the end result that you’re aiming for.

Now, once you’ve built your self-concept, and you have advocated for yourself; whether it’s in writing, or via a meeting with your supervisors, then you’re going to have the chance to probably receive some feedback. I’ve recorded a whole episode on receiving feedback. But what you want to do is really manage your emotional state as you receive feedback, and come to it in a really curious way.

Not with offense, and not with frustration, and not with anger, and not feeling attacked; we don’t want to do that. That doesn’t create intentional, positive results. So, instead, try and maintain a sense of curiosity as you receive feedback. And, be willing to ground yourself in that moment. Have a conversation with your supervisor to flesh out what’s gone wrong, to problem solve, how will you guys course-correct in the new year, moving forward, next quarter, over the next six months, over the next 12 months.

People tend to make review conversations a ‘me vs. them’ ordeal, and it doesn’t have to be that way. So, I want to encourage you to approach these conversations as if you’re on the same team, because you are. Be prepared to not love everything that you hear. It doesn’t make you a bad attorney. It doesn’t make you a bad employee. It doesn’t make you inadequate in any way, for you to receive some feedback that isn’t positive.

This is so cheesy, but they call it the practice of law for a reason; there’s no perfect way to do this. And, you’re always going to be improving. So, of course, people with more experience than you are going to give you some ways that you can improve. That isn’t a problem. You don’t need to take offense to it; you get to just receive it and use it as a learning opportunity. Leverage the feedback that you get, okay.

Again, like I said, whole episode on “Accepting feedback”. Go listen to that so you can really manage your mind as you do it. Now, I feel like I didn’t mention this, so let me just rewind for two seconds. If there’s not a formal meeting, we talked about that formal process in the beginning, like to write a memo and submit it. But also, if there’s not a formal meeting, I highly encourage you to request one. Create the structure.

That may feel really awkward and uncomfortable for you, but I find that a lot of leaders, a lot of business owners, law firm owners, law firm managers, they don’t think this stuff through. So, if you have the expectation that they’re going to be really intentional, it’s not that they don’t care, they just might not have put thought into this yet.

You can be the person that thinks up things for them. Request a meeting so you can have this conversation. So, you can come in with that strong self-concept; be your own hype person. Communicate your accomplishments, make your requests for what you think you deserve, what you think you’ve earned, value that you think you’ve added, and how you should be compensated for it.

And then, be willing to have that conversation and engage with that person. What do they think? Ask questions. Answer their questions, and receive the feedback that they give you. This can be a collaborative discussion.

Now, if there’s room for you to make improvements, rather than getting the feedback and being like, “Yeah, okay, that sounds great. Thanks so much,” or storming off and being pissed, or crying in your office, which, no judgment on the crying, but I know that happens to a lot of people during this time of year. They get negative feedback, and then they don’t really do anything with it other than dwell and self-loathe. So, let’s skip that part. Let’s not do that.

Instead, leverage the feedback that you receive. Take it, accept it, really pick it apart, and formulate a game plan for how you will improve upon the items that were mentioned in the feedback that you got. Okay, how are you going to work towards making those improvements? You want to come up with a really clear plan of what you’re going to do differently moving forward, in order to get there.

If you don’t, and you just end up winging it, you’re not going to make the changes that you want to make, and you’re not going to see improvements. So, this is all just going to come up again at your next review. That’s not what you want. So, come up with a game plan.

You can even meet with your supervisor to check back in, you don’t have to wait another 12 months for this. You can do it more frequently, in order to measure progress. And last but not least, if you don’t get feedback as often as you like, I highly encourage you to not just depend on your annual review, ask people and take the time to meet with them.

Don’t worry about being a burden, they get to say no if they want to. Trust people to manage their own time, and you get to manage yours. But ask people for more consistent feedback, create those channels, so you’re able to receive it.

Now, if I made this sound a little bit more simple than you think that it is, I just want to offer you that I get it; self-advocacy isn’t as straightforward and as comfortable as a lot of people make it seem. There are a lot of skills that go into self-advocating effectively.

So, skills like: You need to know how to change your thoughts and manage your mind. You need to know how to embrace advocacy opportunities. You need to know how to rewrite your self-concept, and increase your confidence, and advocate effectively. Which means, taking action in spite of and despite your discomfort.

Those skills, a lot of us never learned. There’s no formal education, through law school or through our early careers, where we learn how to do those things. Now, that’s what I teach my clients to do; how to change their thoughts, how to manage their minds, how to embrace advocacy opportunities, increase their confidence, rewrite their self-concept, and advocate really effectively, in spite of and despite the discomfort.

So, if you haven’t considered working with a coach or working with someone else, some other professional, consultant, strategist, that’s able to help you with these things, I highly recommend, if you struggle with this, consider working with someone. Because these are essential skills that you’re not going to just stumble upon if you keep going it alone.

Now, if you are a supervisor and it is annual review season, here’s what I want you to do; you’re in a little bit of a different position, right? So, kind of touching on where we left off with receiving reviews, if you give reviews, don’t wait until the end of the year to give negative feedback.

That is one of the things that I hear from my clients most frequently. This causes immense frustration. So, avoid this altogether, and just gag-and-go your way through the uncomfortable conversation much sooner after it happens. Even if someone’s still working on a matter with you, be willing to have that conversation now instead of waiting till later.

It reduces resentment, and frustration, and hurt feelings, and surprise. And you’re really able to make much more meaningful change when the timeline between the incident and the review receipt is so much shorter. So, I encourage you, don’t wait until once every 12 months to give negative feedback, do it consistently throughout the year.

And also, don’t just give negative feedback. That’s another thing that I hear from people all the time. That lawyers are just famous for only talking about what’s not working, what’s not good enough, and not highlighting people’s accomplishments. So, I like a three-to-one rule for this: three positive pieces of feedback for every one negative piece of feedback.

If you are someone who gives feedback and that ratio seems really skewed to you, I want to encourage you to try it try; the three-to-one feedback technique. Now, just like people who are on the receiving end of reviews, people that give reviews, supervisors, also tend to have really negative thoughts about the annual review process.

So, if that’s you, if you think it’s a joke, if you think it won’t make an impact, if you think people won’t make improvements because they don’t take it seriously, you’re going to show up and really half-ass the feedback that you give. How you navigate this process, you’re not going to take it seriously. And you’re not going to utilize it as the meaningful opportunity that it is. So, if you think it’s a joke and it won’t make an impact, you’re right; it won’t.

Just like the people receiving reviews, you need to change your thoughts about this process, too. Why does it matter? What kind of impact can it have? Why is it important? Why is it essential? What good can come out of it? How is it valuable?

Answer all those questions. Really sell yourself on the import of this process. All right, I also want to encourage you to think of it as part of your job. I watch a lot of people differentiate between “real” work and administrative work, the non-billable stuff. Reviews are one of the things, just like billing your time, to get categorized into this not real work box. And if you think of it that way, you’re not going to take this seriously. You’re not going to give it the gravity that it deserves.

So, I want to encourage you to think about this as being part of your job; you’re a supervisor, this is one of your responsibilities. Now, from there, if you stop thinking of it as a joke, or that it won’t make an impact and that it’s not part of your job, if you change those thoughts, you’re probably going to slow yourself down to take it more seriously.

But I do want to remind you, if you still feel rushed to speed through this process, because you’re like, “Who has time for this? It’s end of the year; I’ve got to get on to my deals. I’ve got to close cases,” whatever. I just want you to take a deep breath and not rush this process.

If you rush through it, it won’t be meaningful. And it won’t be as impactful as it could be, otherwise. So, if you really want to see course-correction out of your teammates, and improvements out of the people that you supervise, out of the people you manage, you want to take this seriously, and you don’t want to speed through it.

Now, when you go to give feedback, and I’ve recorded a whole episode on this, too; one on accepting feedback, one on giving feedback. But you want to make sure that you’re out of a state of frustration. And you want to be in a state of curiosity, understanding, and showing up in service to the people that you supervise. That’s going to completely change the way you communicate your review; you communicate the feedback.

I also want to encourage you to be honest. A lot of people have a very hard time with being honest when it comes to annual reviews, because they don’t want to be “mean” or they don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I just want to offer that that’s really not helpful.

The point of an annual review process is for people to learn what they’re not doing well and to make adjustments. And also, to celebrate them for what they are doing well and the value that they’re adding. But the purpose of an annual review is both, it’s twofold. So, be honest, and highlight what people need to work on.

Now, when I teach business development, I teach people a concept; I say, “Don’t post and ghost.” I tell them to post on social media, but then stick around and engage with other people on social media. So, I’m tweaking that concept today, for you. I want to say here, don’t give feedback, and then ghost. Stick around. Help people problem-solve.

The people that work for you may not know how to solve the problems that you’re bringing to their attention. And they’re definitely going to be inclined to people please you; to say, “Oh, yeah, I know. I need to work on that, totally. I’m going to do better.” If you are phoning in this process, you’re going to take their ‘yeah, I’ll do better’ and run with it, it’s not really a meaningful action plan, in order to get different results; in order to make consistent improvements.

So, instead of doing that, I really want you to take a deep breath and problem-solve with the people that you review. Help them identify a clear path forward, for exactly how they’re going to improve, to remedy the things that they’re not doing well; the issues that you brought to their attention.

And you want to make sure that you come up with measurable metrics, where you’ll both be able to see their improvements, and monitor the progress that they’re making. Is this time consuming? Yes, it’s going to take some time. It’s not going to take all the time. But it’s going to take more time than if you don’t do it.

But it’s worth doing it. It’s how you make your review process every year actually meaningful. It’s how you’re going to get improvements out of your team, rather than that lip service, which is what you don’t want. Okay? So, ultimately, whether you’re giving reviews or you’re accepting them, you’ve got to change your thoughts about your annual review process.

You’ve got to be willing to take action, in spite of and despite your discomfort, right? Whether you’re advocating for yourself or you’re giving feedback to someone else, it’s going to be a little uncomfortable, especially at first; that’s not a reason not to do it.

Alright, my friends, I hope this helps you navigate your annual review process; everyone’s. We’re gonna change our thoughts about everyone’s favorite time of year, I’m sure. It’s bonus season. It’s the part that comes right before bonus season. So, how could it not be your favorite time of year?

All right. I hope these tips helped. Have fun self-advocating or giving reviews to your team. I will talk to you in the next episode.

Thanks for listening to The Less Stressed Lawyer podcast. If you want more info about Olivia Vizachero or the show’s notes and resources from today’s episode, visit www.TheLessStressedLawyer.com

You’re listening to The Less Stressed Lawyer podcast, Episode 36. Today, we’re talking all about investing in yourself. You ready? Let’s go.

Welcome to The Less Stressed Lawyer, the only podcast that teaches you how to manage your mind so you can live a life with less stress and far more fulfillment. If you’re a lawyer who’s over the overwhelm and tired of trying to hustle your way to happiness, you’re in the right place. Now, here’s your host, lawyer turned life coach, Olivia Vizachero.

Hi, my friends, how you doing? It has been a wild ride over here the past week. One of the things that I’ve learned from my coach is that life is 50/50; 50% good and 50% not so good. And that you can really reduce the amount of emotional suffering that you experience when you just embrace that 50/50 split. Instead of, you know, going to war with it, and not accepting it, and wishing that things were different or better than they are. I’ve just been living the 50/50 lifestyle over here.

Things have been so amazing with the Mastermind launch, so far. Enrollment is open, and the next cohort has already started to come together. Applications have come in. Acceptance decisions have already gone out. So, there are still some spots left, but it’s just been so amazing to see the people that are going to be in the next round. I can’t wait to meet them in person in Charleston, that’s going to be so exciting.

So, while all of that’s been going on, though, I’ve been dealing with the 50% of life that hasn’t been that great. I’ve got a sick cat; my babe, Bear, has not been doing too hot. So, I’ve been navigating that. And it’s just always a really good reminder that, you know, things come in ebbs and flows in life. And you’ve got to be willing to accept that and to expect it. And if you do expect it, you’re going to be so much more capable of navigating the emotional ups and downs that come with those 50/50 shifts.

I just wanted to share that with you, in case you’re dealing with your own 50/50 splits, right now. And you’re battling between, and bouncing between, the good and the not so good. If you are, I see you. I’m with you; I’m in it too. I just want you to know that A; you’re not alone. B; nothing has gone wrong. That’s just part of the human experience. And you are capable, and resourceful, and competent to weather that storm. So, I wish you all the best as you weather it.

All right, today we’re continuing on talking about kind of like this two-part series that I’ve come up with. Last week, we talked about the impact of coaching, and all of the different ways that I apply the coaching tools that I teach my clients in my own life. And, the impact that knowing these tools and having the skill set has. How I navigate just everyday challenges, the little annoyances, the little unfortunate things that pop up in our day-to-day lives.

How I manage those so much differently, now. Now that I found coaching, and I know how to implement these tools myself, it’s the same exact stuff that I teach my clients to do. It’s how they navigate the world, now. It’s what they implement on a day-to-day basis to also experience the same shifts and changes in their own life. So, I wanted to give you some examples of that.

In today’s episode, I want to talk about investing in yourself. Because in order to get those changes, to make those shifts that I talked about in the last episode, you have to be willing to invest in yourself. In order to learn how to navigate the world in the different way that I teach my clients how to navigate it; the tools that I teach them, the skills that we develop together.

In order to get the benefits of coaching, you have to invest in coaching. And, I see a lot of people hesitate when it comes to investing in themselves. So, I wanted to record a podcast episode specifically about that hesitation. Explain it to you and teach you how to overcome it, if you are really eager and wanting to make a shift in your life, but you find yourself a little apprehensive, a little hesitant to move forward and invest in yourself.

Now, I think there’s an important distinction that I just want to highlight, the difference between self-care versus personal development. I definitely think personal development and investing in it is part of self-care. But a lot of people spend a lot of money investing on self-care that provides temporary relief and instant gratification, but doesn’t have the same long-term impact. So, going to get that massage, or that facial, or going on vacation.

I know I was guilty of this, back in the day, when I was really overwhelmed and dealing with all of the stress from working in big law. I traveled a lot, and I did it as a way to escape my stress. But if you do this, you know what I had to learn the hard way. You don’t escape it permanently, you come back to it. It’s there waiting for you at the airport when you get back from wherever you traveled to.

So, travel’s one way that people invest in self-care, but not necessarily in personal development. I also see this with things like taking a bubble bath, or maybe going for a walk, maybe going to yoga, those things are all incredible for you. But when you stop doing the activity that brings you some peace, the peace tends to go away. So, you have to keep doing it.

This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t keep doing it. If you’ve loved doing yoga, or working out, or taking bubble baths, or resting and sipping some tea, and just taking some downtime, all of that is so incredible and amazing. It’s just not the same type of investment that you’re making when you invest in your personal development.

Today’s episode is really about investing and working with a life coach. Now, why would you want to work with one? The shortest answer that I can come up with, is really just to do life better. I teach my clients how to live lives with less stress, and far more fulfillment. And I know you hear me say that all the time, but I want to talk today about what that actually means.

There are critical skills that you need to learn in order to do that. In order to live a life on your terms. In order to create a life you’re obsessed with. Which is, really, the commitment that I make to my clients, to the people that choose to work with me; we’re going to create lives that they’re obsessed with.

That’s what I’ve gone and done for myself. It’s what I help the people that work with me do, as well. But there are specific skill sets that you need to develop, in order to do that, in order to create that life, to live a life on your terms.

And it’s skills like learning how to manage your time; how to control your calendar, how to plan your schedule accurately, how to honor your plan, how to learn how to follow through and do what you say you’re going to do. It is utterly impossible to build a life you’re obsessed with if you don’t follow through. So, you’ve got to learn how to master that skill.

As I go through this list of skills that I teach my clients how to develop, how to build, how to master, I want you to pay attention to the fact that a lot of these skills were never taught growing up, okay. So, there’s nothing wrong with the fact that you haven’t learned them yet, that you haven’t mastered them yet. But you do want to be mindful that you haven’t learned them.

And that if you want to get the results that come from developing these skill sets, and executing and implementing these skill sets on a daily basis, you’re going to have to invest in an education in getting them, okay. The skill of following through, learning how to set boundaries, how to say no to other people and to things that you don’t want to do.

So, you can say yes to yourself. You’ve got to learn how to stop people pleasing, all right. How to stop doing things you don’t feel like doing out of guilt, worry, or fear. How to be able to honor what feels intentional and in integrity for you, and not sacrifice yourself for the sake of making other people comfortable.

I’m going to teach you how to care a lot less about what other people think, and to get very comfortable with their discomfort. Those are normally the two things that get in people’s way from living a life on their terms, and not people-pleasing.

You’ve also got to know how to increase your confidence. To identify where there are roadblocks in your confidence, where there are there gaps or holes. And, we’ve got to fill them in.

I do that by teaching my clients how to identify their limiting beliefs that they have about themselves, about what they’re capable of, about what’s possible for their lives. And we work together to dismantle those limiting beliefs, so they stop holding you back.

You also want to learn how to build self-trust. I teach people to go from a system of external validation, where they’re constantly relying on feedback from other people, to learning how to become someone who internally validates, who evaluates yourself and the job that you do. And you know what you’re doing well, what you can improve upon, and then you create a plan exactly on how to make those improvements.

I also work with people to define a couple of different things. We want to define what your role is, so you’re able to feel a lot more accomplished and satisfied with what you’re doing in your life; both at work and in the roles that you take on in your personal life. In order to live a life that you’re obsessed with, we also have to work on your relationships, and really give them an overhaul, improve them.

One of the ways that we do that is by learning how to let go of the past, and again, stop caring about what other people think. Being much more honest with the people in your life. Allowing yourself to be known. Allowing yourself to be seen. Being able to have difficult conversations respectfully. Being able to advocate for yourself. Being able to resolve conflict very intentionally. And, being able to problem solve more effectively with the people that you interact with.

You also want to know how to lead and manage others really well, and understand why people do what they do, and why you do what you do. So, we’re going to increase your emotional intelligence. So, you’re able to show up in relation to other people much more intentionally, much more powerfully, much more in control.

You also need to learn how to make empowered decisions. A lot of the people that come to work with me really struggle with decision making; they spin in indecision, they second guess themselves, they’re constantly seeking input or feedback from other people, they don’t trust themselves, they avoid making a decision.

The quality of your life is really directly impacted by the quality of your decision-making abilities. So, we want to make sure that you’re able to make really intentional, empowered decisions quickly. And then, being able to implement them, take action towards them, to create the results of the decisions that you make.

You also want to become the type of person who’s capable of making changes. Whether it’s switching jobs, or moving, or starting to travel, starting a business, getting promoted. Whatever it is, we want to make you the kind of person that navigates change really well, really seamlessly. Because if you’re resistant to change… I used to tell myself that I hated change. I don’t do that anymore. I love change, now. I embrace it fully in my life.

But if you’re someone who hates change, you’re going to maintain the status quo, and you’re not going to thrive in the way that you’re going to want to thrive in your life. If you have other goals you want to accomplish, like getting more organized, either at work or in your personal life, developing business, transitioning businesses, changing your practice area, any of those things.

You want to be able to identify the result very clearly that you want to create, and plan for the future. I teach my clients how to reverse-engineer their results, so we get clear on exactly what we want to create. And then, we work backwards to create a roadmap, in order to make creating your results inevitable.

I also teach people how to simplify their lives. We constrain and cut out anything that doesn’t serve you, anything that’s not necessary. And we make decisions, that you make all the time over and over again, we decide on them one time, and then we just honor those decisions moving forward. So, your life becomes much more simplified, much more streamlined, much more routine, much more uniform. Not in a boring way; in a really sexy way.

In a way that makes everything feel a lot more effortless and easy, so you’re able to give your time, focus, and attention, to the things that really move the dial to create that life that you want. That get you closer to the unresolved that you’re aiming for.

Last but not least, I teach people how to set and achieve goals. Most people come to me, and they really don’t know how to do that well. They kind of think that they know how to do it, but they struggle with it. They set really ambiguous goals, and they don’t know how to work towards them. So, we’re going to do that together.

And through all of the things that I just covered, what you ultimately get is you’re able to feel so much better. You go from feeling overwhelmed, and stressed, and inadequate, and insecure, and uncertain, and guilty, and worried, and frustrated, and disappointed, and discouraged, and defeated, and confused, and stuck. To feeling in control, capable, competent, determined, committed, intentional, okay? That’s what you want for your life.

Because how you feel determines how you show up. So, we need you feeling better, so you can show up better, so you can create what you want in your life. All right, this is exactly what I teach people to do. I know that sounds like a lot, but it’s your whole, complete life. Right? It is a lot; it should be a lot.

Those skills are everything you need to know, in order to really thrive. And like I said, most of the stuff you’ve never been formally taught how to do any of it, so you struggle with it. My goal, in working with all of my clients, is to stop the struggle. To get you out of spin cycle and get you really clear on how to create what you want, and to arm you with the skills that you need in order to create it.

Now that’s what you do when you work with a coach; you learn to master those skills. So, if you’re asking yourself, why would I invest in working with a coach? In a program like The Less Stressed Lawyer Mastermind?

Here’s some reasons that might come up for you, to start: You might invest because you’re sick of squandering your own time, fumbling around, and trying to figure it out for yourself. One of the things that I hear in the coaching industry a lot is that people need to work with a life coach. And that’s absolutely not true, right?

You will make it through life, you won’t die if you don’t work with a coach. But here is what I find to be true. Number one, the progress that you’ll make on your own is going to take you a lot longer, than the progress you make when you work with an expert.

Number two, there are just some revelations and transformations that you get out of coaching that you’ll never get on your own. Because you can’t see your own roadblocks. So, the fastest way to create the life you want is to work with a coach. The fastest way to learn is to learn from someone else, instead of trying to figure it out all on your own.

If you want to be inspired, and get unstuck, and have support while you start curating a life that you love, one that you live on your terms, you want to invest in yourself. You want to invest in working with a coach and joining a mastermind, like The Less Stressed Lawyer Mastermind, because it’s a container where you get to do all of this stuff at warp speed.

Another huge reason to work with a coach and to join a group program, like The Less Stressed Lawyer Mastermind, is to become a part of a community and to surround yourself with really incredible people who are all committed to living intentional lives, just like you are.

Another reason to invest in yourself is to simply become someone who invests in yourself. To be someone who pushes themselves to do more than settle for the status quo. There is such an uplevel in your self-concept when you invest in yourself.

When you actually pay money to invest in your own personal development, it’s like you’re saying, “I believe in my future and what I’m capable of so much, I’m willing to put money behind it. I’m willing to bet on myself. I’m willing to invest in myself. I’m willing to bankroll my future success; the success that I’m going to make inevitable through making this investment.”

You start to see yourself as someone who is worthy of investment. Someone who has a future that is so valuable, that’s so remarkable, that you’re willing to put your money into it, in order to make it the best that it can be. And that is really a transformative way to think about yourself.

To be that intentional with your life, that intentional with your future. To say, “I’m not going to settle for mediocre. My life is worthy of this type of expenditure,” that is so powerful. Being someone that takes yourself and your future, and your life and your goals, and everything that you want to accomplish so seriously, that you’re willing to put money behind it.

I’m gonna go on a quick tangent here. I went on a date; I think last fall. And while I was on the date, the man that I was out with was talking about some of the goals that were kind of like pipe dreams, that’s how he talked about them. He was really wishy-washy when he was talking to me about them. He didn’t seem really confident; he didn’t really seem sure of himself. And he kind of joked about what he wanted to accomplish.

He didn’t have the same gravitas that I have when I talk about my goals. I take my goals, and my future, and the vision that I have for my life so seriously. So, it really stood out to me that he didn’t talk that way, that he didn’t speak about his future and himself in the same way that I do. I left that date thinking this; simply, that you have to be the person that takes your life, your goals, your dreams, more seriously than anyone else.

It’s got to be you. That’s your job. No one else is going to care about your dreams, your goals, the life you want to create, as much as you. Nor should they, everyone should be worried about themselves and creating their own lives that they’re obsessed with. That’s everyone’s individual job.

So, you want to check in with yourself. Do you take your life, your dreams, your goals, the things that you want to have in your life, the accomplishments that you want to achieve, do you take them seriously? Seriously enough to invest in?

If you don’t, I really want to ask you to question why. Why is that? And then, I want to invite you to start thinking about this differently. To start telling yourself, to start mentally rehearsing, that you and your future are worthy of investment. Now, why is it so important to invest in yourself?

Number one, and I kind of already talked about this, but you get further faster. And one of the things that I teach my clients is that success compounds. So, the further you get faster, the more time you give yourself for your success to compound. It’s just like interest in financial investments; there’s compound interests. So, when you start saving earlier, you reap the benefits of having made those investments earlier.

The same thing is true with what you accomplish in your life. So, the faster you start taking action, to get where you want to go, the further you’re going to ultimately get, because your success will compound.

By investing in yourself, you’ll also achieve things that you would never otherwise achieve. I’ll use myself as an example of this. I run a business now that blows my wildest dreams; I’m quickly scaling it to seven figures.

And, I know that that is truly just the beginning. And had I not invested in coaching and worked with coaches that held that vision for me before I was able to hold it myself, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I wouldn’t have the future in front of me that I now have, but for me, investing.

Coaches also help point out your blind spots. And I really do mean this; they’re your blind spots, so you will not see them if you don’t work with someone else. You just won’t know what to look for. So, coaches will help you identify limiting beliefs that you have. And they will help you dismantle them. They know what questions to ask, in order to tear down some of the things that you’ve been believing about yourself and what’s possible for your life, that are really holding you back.

Another thing that my clients love about working with me is that they’re able to borrow my belief. I believe in you so fully and completely. I believe in how resourceful you are. I believe in how capable you are. I believe there’s nothing you cannot accomplish. And most people don’t have someone like that in their lives.

If you start to pay attention, you’re probably surrounded by a lot of negative people. And that’s not to, like, insult your inner circle. It’s just how most people operate in this world. So, investing in being surrounded by someone who isn’t like that, who is full of belief, who thinks the world is your oyster, and that the possibility is endless, the opportunity is endless, and that you are capable of creating whatever it is that you want in your life.

Spending time around someone like that, investing and being around someone like that, is so incredibly powerful. I truly believe that we are a direct reflection of the five people you spend the most time with. And when you work with a coach, one of the five people that you end up spending the most time with is your coach.

Even if we only see each other an hour a week. Think about it, most of my friends I don’t see an hour a week. If I see them like once a month, that’s a lot, or a couple times a year. So, I see my coaches more frequently than I see my parents, other friends, and family members. And as a result, they become one of those five people that has the biggest impact on my life.

Which is so great, because they have a mind that’s so different from anyone else in my life. So, I really learned to think so much differently, by exposing myself to the way that they operate, to the way that they view the world.

Another thing that my clients love about working with a coach and investing in themselves, is that they expose themselves to someone who’s completely non-judgmental. Working with someone who’s completely non-judgmental, and is able to help you navigate situations without putting their opinion and their own limiting beliefs into the situation, is so powerful.

We call this “holding space” in coaching. And it’s one of the most impactful things that you get out of investing in yourself; having someone hold space for you, not judge you. And help you explore all the options that you have.

Help you make decisions and figure out which direction you want to go in. Figure out what questions you need to be asked, in order to create awareness and really figure out what’s next. Figure out the direction you want to move in, to help you become the best version of yourself. Having someone who’s able to hold that type of space. without judgment. is so incredible.

I also just had a client reach out to me, and she said that one of the most incredible things that she’s experienced about working with me, is that I’m so honest. So, it’s so fascinating how these two concepts tie in together; being non-judgmental, but also being very candid.

And she explained that it’s not just with some of the “bad stuff” that happens; some of the things that she struggles with. But also, the things that she does well, that she celebrates, or would want to celebrate. But sometimes that inner critic in her own head would discount the accomplishments.

When you work with a coach, we cheer you on from a really honest, loving, supportive place. So, you have someone in your corner who’s here solely to support you. I tell my clients all the time, “I’m not your husband’s life coach. I’m not your mom’s life coach. I’m not your boss’s life coach, or your client’s life coach. I’m your life coach.”

So, I’m in your corner. I’ve got your back. I’m holding space for you. I’m going to be honest with you, and sometimes that requires me saying the tough thing. The thing that you might not want to hear, but that will set you free. That will really help you access your transformation, access the breakthrough, that’s going to get you to the life that you’re obsessed with.

We usually don’t get this from the people that are in our inner circle. They’re either people-pleasing us, or being too polite, or giving us their negative limiting beliefs, and their opinions based on their worldview and their experiences. A lot of that does not serve you, all right? So, I’m not going to be your parent, and I’m not going to be your best friend, and that’s the best news ever.

I want you to take a second and think about what are all of the thoughts that you have about investing in yourself? Does it feel unavailable to you? Do you feel hesitant or apprehensive to do it? Do you feel like it’s not for you? Investing in yourself isn’t something that you do. Isn’t something that you were raised to do.

It certainly wasn’t something that I was raised to do. I had to become someone who viewed myself and my life as being worthy of investment. And now that I have changed my beliefs and the way that I look at making that type of investment in myself, it has become a non-negotiable for me. Because I’m so committed to achieving the seemingly impossible, to living a life where I truly blow my own mind with what I’m able to create.

I’m so committed to exceeding my wildest expectations. And I know that I will never achieve that if I operate on autopilot. Operating on autopilot doesn’t create the results that I want in my life. I want next level results, so I have to invest in a next level way, in order to create them. That has just become a fundamental part of my life. I’m always going to work with a coach.

Whether it’s one-on-one, or to put myself in group programs that give me access to peer groups that I would never otherwise be around. Where I’m able to access their up-leveled thinking, and their brilliance, and their wisdom. To put myself in rooms with coaches who have the results that I want to have in my life. Who have achieved what I want to achieve, and I can learn from them. Because they lead by example, and they share their wisdom, they share their knowledge with me.

That has become a foundational part of my life, and it always will be. If you are someone who has never invested in yourself in this way, I want you to consider that now is the perfect time to do it. Especially, we’re coming up on the end of the year.

This is my favorite time to make investments in my personal life and my professional life, to decide what is my 2023? What’s the next year going to look like for me? And how am I going to support myself, as I work towards the goals that I want to accomplish over the course of the next 12 months?

So, be thinking about this. Don’t wait until January to figure out what you’re going to do, in order to get to the results that you want to get to in 2023. You want to be making those decisions now. You want to be lining all of that up right now, so that it’s done, so that it’s taken care of.

Now, as you explore your thoughts about investing in yourself, the other thing that I wanted to talk about is a couple questions that you can ask yourself to figure out whether it’s time for you to invest. So, number one, I went through that long list of the things that we work on together; with the skills that I teach you to master, that we develop, so you’re able to create that life you’re obsessed with.

If there are items on that list that you really feel like you struggle with, that you don’t know how to do right now, you feel like there’s skills that you’ve never developed, you were never taught, it’s time to invest. You want to put yourself in a room where you will learn those things.

The other thing that I see a ton of is that people are in consumption mode. So, if this is you, this used to be me, so I’m calling myself out here, too. But I’m giving you a loving call out, too; if you are in consumption mode, and you keep repeating the same behavior over and over and over again. You keep feeling the same way, but you keep consuming. You keep listening to the podcast episodes, and reading the social media posts, and watching the YouTube videos, and reading the self-help books.

But you’re not actually making changes, you’re consuming; you’re not applying. It’s time to invest in working with a coach.

Consuming isn’t learning; application is learning. If you are the type of person who identifies with saying, “You know, I know what I need to do, I’m just not doing it.” With all the love in the world, you don’t know what to do. I had this conversation with a client recently, we were talking about time management. And he was saying to me…

Actually, this came up a couple different times with clients recently; one on the topic of time management, one on the topic of weight loss. And both clients were like, “I know what I need to do, I’m just not doing it.” And I just took a calm, deep breath, and I said, “Respectfully, you don’t know what to do. Because knowing without doing, isn’t knowing.”

And we’ll repeat that again, because it’s really good: Knowing without doing, isn’t knowing. So, you may intellectually understand the steps you need to take, in order to get where you want to go. But you don’t know how to actually take the steps. And one of the things that I teach my clients how to do is to take the steps; the uncomfortable steps that make their success inevitable.

You need to learn how to take action, in spite of and despite the discomfort that comes from taking it. We don’t learn how to do this growing up. It may seem like it’s intuitive, but it’s not. It’s a skill that you have to learn how to develop. And it’s the thing that I’m an expert at teaching people, more so than any other coach that I’ve seen in the coaching industry.

This is really my sweet sauce; teaching people how to gag-and-go through the discomfort, in order to create the life that they want. So, be honest with yourself. Have you been in consumption mode? Do you keep taking in information, but not making any actual change?

If that’s you, you gotta invest in yourself to get out of that cycle. You want to put yourself in a room with people, where you’re learning and actually applying, where a coach is gonna hold you accountable, where they’re gonna push your toes to the edge. And get you taking action, auditing the actions you take and adapting, so you’re constantly improving. You’re not stuck in the same cycle of no development, of no progress, of no change.

If you feel stuck and confused about how to get where you want to go, that’s another great sign that it’s time for you to invest in yourself, and to work with a coach. Also, if you feel like you’ve plateaued. Maybe you’re not struggling as much as some people and things are pretty good, but you really feel like you don’t have access to that next up level.

If that’s you, time to invest and have someone push you outside of your comfort zone, and help you identify your roadblocks. So, you’re able to get to that next level of success.

Now, I want to talk about the common reasons that I see people not invest in themselves. And there are mainly seven reasons that I see come up for people. Number one, they’re afraid it’s not going to work. They don’t want to spend the money. They think that they should be able to figure it out on their own.

They think that they’re selfish for making an investment in themselves like this. They’re afraid they won’t commit to the program. They don’t want to feel exposed in front of other people. And lastly, they’re telling themselves that now isn’t a good time.

I want to explore each of these reasons in greater detail. Because if there’s one thing that you should have learned by now, if you’ve been listening to the podcast for a while, it’s this; your brain likes to lie to you. The primitive part of your brain is always attempting to sell you snake oil, to get you to maintain the status quo.

It wants you to seek pleasure, avoid discomfort, and conserve energy. I want to explore each of these reasons in greater detail, so you can see how your brain is telling you lies.

Investing in yourself is counterintuitive to those three agenda items: to seeking pleasure, avoiding discomfort, and conserving energy. Your brain serves you up excuses like the ones I just listed, in order to keep you stagnant. Because your brain mistakenly thinks stagnant is safe. Stagnant isn’t safe; stagnant is just stagnant, right?

I always think of like a gross, like murky pond; ick. And that’s not what you want for your life. That’s not where you want to be hanging out. You want like oceanfront real estate, not the stagnant pond, right? So, you want to be onto your brain. You want to see what it’s trying to do. You want to see how it’s trying to hold you back with some of these excuses.

Some of these reasons that might sound good or “look good on paper,” and seem really reasonable, but they’re really not good reasons to not invest in yourself. Once you realize what’s happening, you then get to interrupt this process and take intentional action, and move forward to create the results that you want.

So, let’s explore each of these reasons to not invest in yourself, and start to like, poke some holes in them and pick them apart. First things first, you might be afraid that investing in yourself won’t work, that working with a coach won’t work. All right? This is such a common defense mechanism that your brain loves to serve up to you.

It loves to jump straight into the doubt that it’s not going to work. But what I like to do is I like to break down the doubt, because ambiguity breeds anxiety. And this is a really ambiguous excuse. It’s like, okay, but Why won’t it work? Why are you afraid it won’t work? So, you want to flesh this out further.

If you’ve got this fear that investing in yourself and working with a coach won’t work, I want you to challenge yourself to figure out why you think that. Just know that your brain’s trying to protect you from the unknown. Because there is some unknown if you haven’t worked with a coach before, you haven’t worked with a particular coach before, there’s going to be a little uncertainty there. That’s normal. That’s okay.

But your brain is just trying to protect you from it, and you want to be onto that. That’s what’s going on here. So, if you’re worried that investing in yourself, making an investment like working with a coach, or joining The Less Stressed Lawyer Mastermind, there are only three reasons it wouldn’t work.

You’re worried that I can’t help you, which I can. You’re worried that coaching doesn’t work, which it does. Or, you’re worried that you won’t follow through, which you will. All right, I am 100% in belief that this program will work for you.

Of course, you aren’t at 100% belief like me, you haven’t done it yet. That’s super normal. It’s just a decision that you have to make, feeling a little uncertain. And you can borrow my belief, in the meantime. That’s one of the amazing things that you get to do when you work with a coach. You get to borrow their belief when your belief isn’t as strong yet.

I know I can help you. I know that coaching works. And I know that you will help yourself get the results that you want. I remember the first time that I invested in working with a coach, I was so convinced that it wouldn’t work.

But I was really kind of desperate and exasperated, and I really wanted the results that they offered. So, I took a leap of faith. I didn’t think the modality would work. I didn’t think the coach’s methodology would work. I didn’t know if she could help me. I didn’t even know what I needed to do in order to help myself.

So, there was so much confusion and so much uncertainty, but I decided, for lack of a better term, to throw money at the problem, and to see if it could work. Because if it did, the slight chance, that I thought in my mind that this might work, it was worth me making the investment.

I’m so, so glad I did. That decision to invest in myself changed my life. I live a completely different life. A life that I love now because I made the initial investment. And I had to do it while feeling uncertain. I had to gag-and-go through the discomfort, through the fear of the unknown, and do it anyways. That may be what you have to do in order to invest in yourself.

I just want to offer you that you can move forward, despite some of that uncertainty. I always describe to people it’s like you feel 80% hopeful, and excited, and confident that this will work, and just 20% scared, or maybe 10% worried, or 15% nervous, right? It’s those small percentages where that discomfort lies. You just want to note it and move forward, and take intentional action, in spite of and despite it.

Another thing, if you’re worried about this investment, working with a coach joining a mastermind like mine, if you’re worried that it won’t work. The other thing that I want to offer you is that the mastermind specifically is designed to let you reenroll if you want to keep the momentum going.

So, if you’re like, “Olivia, I feel like I have so much to do, so much change to make during a six-month time period,” that’s okay. I modeled my mastermind off of the one that I’m in with my business coach. And she also allows us to reenroll, and it’s the best gift that she gives us. Because it takes the pressure off for me to have to like change my entire life, and do everything that I need to do or want to do in my business, all within six months.

I get more time to accomplish everything that I want to accomplish. So, I want to offer you that you get to do the same exact thing. And it can take the pressure off of you feeling like you need to fit everything in, all in the first six months.

We’ll make fast progress together, but you don’t have to feel pressured to squeeze it all in. I’m here to support you for as long as you have goals that you want to accomplish. All right? And when you achieve the ones that we said at the start, we’ll move on to different ones. And we’ll just keep that process going.

Also, for this concern that working with a coach won’t work. I think the better question is, do you like fear being the reason you don’t get the results you want? Because that’s really what’s happening. You can guarantee yourself more of the status quo, more of stagnation, if you don’t do anything differently; if you don’t make a change, if you don’t make an investment.

Or, you can buy yourself the probability that you will get the results. Again, I know that it’s not just probable, that it’s inevitable. But you’re not going to know that on the front end, because you haven’t done it before. And if you’re anything like I used to be, you love evidence to support your decision making ahead of time.

Again, this is just one of those things in life, you’re not going to have that evidence until you move forward and do this. But I really want you to think about it. Do you like your fear, your worry, your uncertainty, for being the reason that you don’t get the results you want? Because the only way to have a different life is to do something differently, like make this type of investment.

The second reason that I see people not invest in themselves is that they’re apprehensive about spending the money. I’d probably have to say, this is the most common reason people don’t invest. And here’s how I like to work through this reason. First, you want to get really clear on the actual data. Our brains love to tell us that we can’t afford to do something when we actually can’t afford to do it. The math actually works out.

But I like to say it’s just a knee-jerk no. We tell ourselves; it’s too expensive. I can’t do that. I don’t have the money; I can’t afford it. And then, we just shut down and don’t move forward. So, I really want to invite you to discern between what’s true and what isn’t.

Do you absolutely not have the money? Or, do you have it right now, or you have access to it, via savings or credit cards or, you know, something else, but you’re reluctant to spend it? Those are the two camps; you absolutely don’t have it, or you have it right now or have access to it.

I find that almost everyone that I meet with, that I talk to, that I work with, they fall in the latter category. They have it or they have access to the money, but they’re hesitant to spend it.

Now, if you truly don’t have it, I want to invite you to get resourceful. If you really want to work with a coach and you really want to join a program like my mastermind, I want you to tap into your own resourcefulness. How can you create the money? I once sold jewelry on eBay® to pay my bills when I was just starting my business. I was so resourceful. It’s one of the things that I talk about on the podcast a lot, how resourceful I am.

And it’s one of the things that I love and appreciate about myself the most. I also once used Upstart®, which is an online lending platform that allowed me to finance my coaching certification program, when I didn’t have the means to do it on my own.

I didn’t have the cash liquid, so I got resourceful. I was able to take advantage of a platform like that. You can do that, too. If you want to get resourceful and be inventive, and come up with different ways where you can finance an investment like this, there are a lot of different ways to do it.

But you’ve got to be able to discern what’s true and what isn’t. And tap into that resourcefulness, to search for options and different strategies that you may not have thought of originally.

Now, if you’re in the more common camp of currently having the money or having access to it in some way, but you’re reluctant to spend it, you just want to ask yourself “why,” and see if you like your reasons. Normally, people are hesitant because they’re afraid it won’t work. Which brings us back to the first reason that I talked about.

Or, you think that it’s selfish or irresponsible to invest in yourself like this. That especially comes up with a lot of parents that I work with, especially women. They really have a lot of guilt and shame around making these types of investments; I’m always fascinated by that, too.

That never happens with men that I work with. They’re just like, matter of fact about investing in themselves. They see the ROI (Return On Investment) and they have the self-concept of being people that invest in themselves, and do that in order to achieve their next level of success. So, they don’t hesitate in the same way.

It’s just something that I’ve been really fascinated by seeing. This is a generalization. I understand that not all of the women that I work with have these hesitations, but it’s just something that I commonly don’t see with the men that I work with.

And I think it’s really important to note, like, if that’s you, if you’re a woman, and you’re listening to this episode, and you feel selfish or irresponsible investing in yourself in this way, I just want to challenge you that that is a lot of societal conditioning. And you get to return those limiting beliefs about investing in yourself, anytime you want. You get to unsubscribe. You get to opt out of that line of thinking.

You get to decide that your future is worthy of investment, and that you see the ROI on making this type of expenditure. Because the results that you want to create for yourself are so worth it.

Now, if those are your reasons, whether you think it won’t work, or you think it’s selfish or irresponsible to make this kind of investment, you just want to decide if you like those reasons or not. And if you are likely to create the results that you want to create in your life, without making this kind of change, without making this kind of investment.

If you like your reasons, amazing. If you don’t, also amazing. You get to do something different, starting right now. I also think it’s helpful to think about the cost of not making an investment in yourself. I think about that all the time. I spend a lot of money working with my business coach; her group program is $25,000 every six months. Which I think is expensive, and also very worth it.

And every six months, when it comes time for me to reinvest, for me to re-enroll, I think about what will I miss out on if I don’t make that investment. If I don’t put myself in that room. If I don’t expose myself to that type of transformation, that type of growth, that type of constant education.

I know the cost, the negative impact on my business, on my bottom line, is huge. And I’m not willing to suffer that negative consequence, just in order to save extra money. So, I know that even though it is a significant investment, I will gain more in the long run. The ROI will be positive; it will be worth it for me.

I’m not willing to miss out on the benefit that comes from being in that type of environment. So, think about that. Think about what is the cost in your life, of continuing to stay the same. I’ve learned that you can keep your money and keep your problems, or you can spend your money and learn how to solve your problems yourself.

And when you invest in yourself this way, you’re gaining an education that’s going to last you a lifetime, not just for the length of whatever program that you’re investing in. So, once I started to learn this, that you can either keep your money and your problems or spend the money and solve your problems, I started choosing the latter.

I started to choose to invest. I even invested when it was a stretch for me, because it was always the best investment I could make, even when it was a stretch. And it was always the best investment because it helped me up level significantly.

An investment may sometimes be a stretch for you, that doesn’t mean that it’s a bad reason to do it. It’s just something to take into consideration. And you want to think about what might you be missing out on if you stay the same, if you maintain the status quo.

Another reason that people don’t invest in themselves is that they think they should be able to do it on their own. If you think this, if you think you should be able to build all the skills that I listed out earlier, I want you to ask yourself; why it is that you think that? What do you make it mean that you’re seeking out help to improve yourself? Really give some thought to that. What do you make it mean about your capabilities? Or, about what you’re able to do and what you’re not able to do on your own?

Can you do this on your own? Yeah, maybe you can, but it may just take you a lot longer. I also want you to consider that. Maybe you can do it on your own, but you don’t want to. That’s a big reason that I invest in coaching, especially masterminds, especially group programs. I don’t want to do it alone.

I think entrepreneurship, especially, is very lonely. I also… That’s a thought that I think about the practice of law. And you don’t have to take on that thought, that’s just my opinion. But that was really true for me when I practiced. And it’s also been true for me as I’ve started and now run my own business.

I work from home, it’s pretty isolating. I love putting myself in rooms, in containers, where I’m surrounded by other incredible people that really support me, cheer me on, push me to be my best, help me in any way that they can. It’s so incredible to be a part of a community like that.

I also want to get my results faster. And by investing, I’m able to do that and make that available to me. Honestly, though, a lot of what I’ve learned from coaching, I would have never learned otherwise. So, yeah, is there the possibility that you can do this on your own? Yes.

But there’s also the possibility that you can’t. That you’ll never learn a ton of what you’ll get out of coaching if you don’t invest in it. Like, how to manage your time, or how to stop people pleasing, or how to take action in spite of and despite your discomfort, how to develop business, or how to believe in yourself.

All of those things, you will get out of coaching. Those are things that I got out of coaching. That I needed to invest in coaching, in order to learn. I would have never learned them otherwise. There’s no shame in working with a professional to learn how to do something that no one has ever taught you to do. It’s like judging yourself for not knowing how to do calculus, or write a legal brief, when no one’s ever taught you how to do calculus, or write a legal brief.

Or it’s like judging yourself for not knowing how to ride a unicycle when you’ve never tried to do it before. So, if you’re judging yourself for wanting or needing to learn from someone else, I just want to offer you that that is optional. You can put down that judgment and unsubscribe from it right now.

I also want you to check in with yourself; how do you feel when you think that you should be able to do this on your own? That negative feeling, that’s what’s driving you to not make an investment in yourself; to not work with a coach; to not join a program that helps you create the life you want to be living.

I want you to name that feeling explicitly if this reason really resonates with you, and then ask yourself; if you like that feeling, that negative emotion, as your reason for not doing this?

Next reason is that you think making this type of investment in yourself is selfish or irresponsible. If you think that it is, I want you to ask yourself, why? Investing in yourself isn’t selfish. Not only is it self-care, it’s also a gift that you give everyone else in your life.

When you invest in yourself, the people you love get the best version of you. So, it’s a win-win. I recently had a conversation with someone who was talking about investing in herself, and whether she should spend the money on a family vacation, or in working with a coach. And we just explored this from curiosity, to say; what would the difference be? What would the value be?

And for some people, they may not have to choose between taking the vacation and investing in a coach. But other people might have to make that choice. Identify the tradeoffs and the benefits that come from the vacation, and the benefits that come from working with a coach.

The things that this woman wanted to work on with me, they were everyday things like being less frustrated, and being less resentful. Saying no more often than she says yes. Showing up more intentionally and more positively. Having boundaries and following through all of the things that would make a huge impact on her day-to-day life.

We were going to work on reducing her guilt, and her disappointment, and her frustration, and her resentment, and her overwhelm. So, she could show up feeling a lot less pressured, a lot less stressed, a lot less anxious, and feel more in control.

We discussed what would it be like in her household if she were that person? If she were living that kind of life, instead of the one that she’s been living? And then, we talked about the value of going on vacation for a week, and what would her family benefit from more.

We reached the conclusion together; that it was way more meaningful to her to be a different person day in and day out, to have a better mindset, to have a better approach to her daily life, than to go to Disney® for a week. Disney’s important, don’t get me wrong. If you are a Disney person, and you want to take your family to Disney, that’s amazing.

But it’s one week versus 365 days out of the year of having a completely different experience. And the compound effect of being that different person, of having that different mindset, of feeling so much better, and being so much more intentional on a day-to-day basis. So, she decided to move forward.

That she wanted to prioritize that this year, and then next year would be an amazing year for her to take that vacation. And how much more enjoyable it’s going to be to take that vacation, when she’s in a better frame of mind, when she’s not feeling awful.

So, if this is a reason that you have for not investing in yourself, that you think it’s selfish or irresponsible, I want you to ask yourself; how is it not selfish? How is it, actually, responsible for you to make this investment? I see making investments in myself as the most responsible, mature move that I can make.

Normally, these fears and judgments come from old conditioning that got passed down to us. And like I said earlier, you get to opt out of that anytime you want to. I’ve changed my views on this entirely. I did not come from a family of people that would work with coaches, that would make these types of investments in themselves.

But I became someone who does. So, I no longer view asking for help, or paying for help, or seeking out coaching or guidance, with any type of negative judgment or shame. Now, I look at investing in myself as like the biggest flex imaginable. So, I want to invite you that you can look at it that way, too.

Now, if one of the reasons you don’t want to invest is that you’re afraid you won’t commit. And you’re afraid that you won’t commit to the process because you’ve made commitments in the past and you haven’t stuck to them, I get it. That used to be me, too. I would make commitments and not follow through. And one of the things that you’ll learn, in working with a coach, and joining the mastermind, and being a part of this group, is how to follow through.

That’s one of the skills that we spend the most time developing. That being said, I want to offer you this, we’re going to work on building the skill set together, but you get to make a decision right now. You get to decide to be committed. That’s a choice you can make. It’s a decision that’s available to you. You can decide to show up for yourself.

I don’t bombard you with busy work, when you work with me, when you join the mastermind. You just have to show up for the calls, and apply what you learn in our sessions in your day-to-day life. I teach you how to do this in small increments, so you don’t get bombarded and overburden yourself with too much and then quit.

I used to constantly bail on my commitments, especially the ones that I made with myself, because I take on too much. That’s not how I teach. That’s not what I do with my clients. We make it really implementable. If you’re someone who constantly bails on your commitments, and you’re afraid you’re gonna bail on this one, I want to offer you that you get to decide to become a different person, today.

One day I decided to stop bailing. I recognized that I was trying to do too much all at once, and I wasn’t being present. And I made the decision to be present, to focus wholly and entirely on whatever it was that I was doing at this time. I made this decision when I went through coach training; I was torn between working on work, and working on the coach training.

And I decided, in that moment, that I was going to be all in. I decided to be committed. I decided to be decided. And I continue to practice that, with the programs that I now invest in as a client with my coaches. I choose to give my commitments my full focus. I choose to be present. I choose to show up. I choose to not bail. And that is available to you, too. So, you just have to choose to do that intentionally.

Reason number six, you’re apprehensive about being exposed in front of a group of people. Especially if you’re choosing to invest in a group coaching program, in a mastermind, like The Less Stressed Lawyer Mastermind, where you’re with a cohort of other people. And you’re afraid about being vulnerable, about showing your imperfections, about being seen and having people know that you’re not perfect.

If you’re a perfectionist, this may be uncomfortable for you; I get it. This used to be a big fear of mine, too. I hated not having everything figured out. I hated appearing like I didn’t have it all together. And if this is you, here’s what I want you to know. Truth is the antidote to shame. I believe that fully, and I practice it in my life.

That’s one of my guiding beliefs, one of my guiding principles. So, showing up and letting yourself be seen, and being honest about what you struggle with, will transform you. The members of the mastermind are so supportive, you’re not going to be judged for being you. You’re going to be accepted, you’re going to be held, you’re going to be supported.

Also, pretending that you have everything figured out is exhausting. So, being a part of a community where you don’t have to fake it all the time is so restorative. I’ve really learned that allowing myself to be seen has been the thing that has allowed me to create the most meaningful connections.

I finally feel like people really know me. I finally feel that I am connected with other people who like me for me, and not the version of me that I like to present to the world; the polished version that has it all figured out. I also learned that I’m not alone. So, this concept that truth is the antidote to shame, by me being honest about what I struggle with, I also give permission to other people for them to do the same.

I create safety for them for them to share their struggles, and they create safety for me; for me to share mine. And that’s where that connection, where those bonds are formed, where that comes from. Also, the amazing thing about being in a group is that you can learn from other people.

So, I get that it might be a little uncomfortable for you to feel exposed and to be honest about what you struggle with. But when you’re honest about what you struggle with, and other people are honest about what they struggle with, you will learn from one another. It’s so much easier to learn lessons when you see other people get coached on things that you struggle with. I know that’s been true for me.

I have benefited so significantly from watching other people work through the same issues that I face, the same struggles that I have, because I approach their issues from a completely different perspective. So, it’s easier for me to see the lesson, and to figure things out so much more quickly than when it’s the situation I’m dealing with.

It just feels so true and unshakeable for me. So, I want to offer that to you. If you don’t feel comfortable sharing about something, you don’t have to share. You can listen and just learn from others going through similar situations. But the more you share, the more you open yourself up. The more you’ll learn, the more other people will learn. And we will support you as you do that, as you go through that process.

Now, last but not least, reason number seven, is that you think now is not the right time. This is another reason that our brains serve up to us all the time. And it seems so, so reasonable. It’s sort of like the money reason, that you’ve got to explore the truth behind this belief of yours. Normally, the ‘now isn’t the right time’ objection is just a cute excuse that our brains love to serve up to us to prevent us from changing the status quo.

So, I want you to ask yourself, if you’re telling yourself now’s not the right time for me to invest in myself; what specifically is the reason that now is not a good time? Like I said earlier, ambiguity breeds anxiety. So, you want to get clear on what the specific reason that now is not a good time, what that reason is. What will be different in the future, that makes later better? And what’s the cost of waiting?

If you can’t articulate a clear reason, with a lot of certainty, as to why later is better, then you want to be onto yourself; that’s just your brain serving you up some snake oil to get you to maintain the status quo. It’s just your brain serving you up that natural defense mechanism to seek pleasure, avoid discomfort, and conserve energy.

With the time objection, after the in-person event with the mastermind, we meet for three and a half days in Charleston, which is gonna be so amazing. Once we do that, the time investment’s just an hour a week, and you have an hour a week. Even if you feel like you don’t have one hour a week, I assure you, you do.

When I have clients do time audits, we find, all the time, that they squander all the time that goes to things where they spend time in a really unintentional way. I assure you; you have an hour to devote to your growth each week, you just have to find that time.

And finding that time starts with you believing that you do, in fact, have it. If you believe you do, you’ll be able to find it. Now, my rule of thumb here, is that if you cannot clearly articulate why later is better, and you’re relying on hope that things will calm down in the future, or that more money will randomly become available to you, I want to offer you that hope is not a good strategy.

I always tell people, “Don’t let fear, guilt, or hope be the reason that you make a decision, or that you don’t make a decision.” They’re just not solid reasons. You want to have a much stronger conviction, a much stronger incentive or reason for the decision that you make.

I also want you to ask yourself; how will things be calmer in the future? You should have a clear plan of how you’re going to create calm, if you’re telling yourself that now’s not the right time, and that things will be calmer in the future. You want to make sure that you specifically understand how you’re going to create calm, how you’re going to get there.

If you don’t have a clear plan, this again, is your brain lying to you. Trying to protect you from making a change. Just be onto yourself. Also, if you don’t have a plan to create calm, that’s one of the things that you’ll learn how to do when you work with a coach. Like I said earlier, I teach people how to simplify their lives, how to constrain, how to make decisions ahead of time, how to make their lives more effortless and more seamless.

So, if that’s one of the things you want to accomplish, it may be time to make an investment in yourself so you can learn that skill set. Now, lastly, I just want you to ask yourself the opposite question. Your brain’s so sold on telling you that now is not the right time, right?

So, I just want you to ask yourself the opposite question; how is right now the best time? Ask yourself that question and see what comes up. What reasons does your brain offer up to you when you give it a better question to answer? You’ve probably heard me say before, “If you want better answers, you’ve got to ask better questions.” So, instead of asking yourself; why is right now not the right time? Ask yourself; why is right now the best time? And, see what your brain serves up to you.

Ultimately, you get to choose to wait if you want to. You just want to know exactly what your reasons are for waiting, and be sure that you like them.

Alright, my friends. Those are the seven reasons that people refrain and hesitate from moving forward, and investing in themselves, and working with a coach. If you are interested in creating a life on your terms, a life that you love, a life that you’re obsessed with.

If you want to master the skills that I outlined in the beginning of this episode, but you’re on the fence about whether or not to work with someone. Whether or not to invest in yourself. Whether or not to join a program, like The Less Stressed Lawyer Mastermind, you want to think through what are the reasons to do it?

What are the reasons to not do it, and are your reasons just excuses your brain’s serving up to you to try and maintain the status quo? To keep you stagnant, not safe? And to get you seeking pleasure, avoiding discomfort, and conserving energy?

If those are your reasons, and you don’t like them, you get to interrupt this process, and make an intentional decision to make yourself your top priority. To invest in yourself in order to create the life you want to be living.

I also want to offer you this, you do not need to work with me. I would love to be your coach, and I would love to do this work with you, together, to get you from where you are to where you want to go. But if there is someone else that you think is more aligned to help you with the specific things that you’re struggling with, invest in working with them. All right?

Investing in the person that you feel can best support you to create the result that you’re craving, the results that you want in your life. I hope that you become someone who sees themselves as being worthy of investment. As someone who has a future that is worthy of investing in, because you are worthy of investment. Your future is worth investing in. And you get to start investing, right now.

I can’t wait to see what becomes possible for you when you do. If you want to invest in working with me, if you want to make sure you’re with me in February, inside The Less Stressed Lawyer Mastermind in Charleston for the three-and-a-half-day retreat, and then six months of coaching, growth, mentorship, and community.

Inside the Mastermind, after the live event; go to TheLessStressLawyer.com/mastermind and join now. I would love to have you inside; spots are limited, so don’t wait to enroll. The next cohort is already coming together. So, make sure you’re in it.

Join me in February. Join us in the Mastermind. You will be so grateful you did; your future self will thank you.

All right, my friends. That’s what I have for you this week. I hope you have a beautiful week. I will talk to you in the next episode.

Thanks for listening to The Less Stressed Lawyer podcast. If you want more info about Olivia Vizachero or the show’s notes and resources from today’s episode, visit www.TheLessStressedLawyer.com.

You’re listening to The Less Stressed Lawyer podcast, Episode 35. We’re talking all about the impact of coaching. You ready? Let’s go.

Welcome to The Less Stressed Lawyer, the only podcast that teaches you how to manage your mind so you can live a life with less stress and far more fulfillment. If you’re a lawyer who’s over the overwhelm and tired of trying to hustle your way to happiness, you’re in the right place. Now, here’s your host, lawyer turned life coach, Olivia Vizachero.

Hello, how are you? Hope your week’s going well. Mine is off to an amazing start. Early enrollment for the next round of The Less Stressed Lawyer Mastermind just opened and people have been sending in their applications. I just sent out the first batch of acceptance emails, and I can’t wait to welcome the next class of the mastermind. It’s going to be so amazing.

We’re gonna meet in Charleston to kick off the mastermind with a three-and-a-half-day live event. I’m just so excited to see everyone that’s gonna be in the mastermind in person. I just can’t wait for that, it’s probably my favorite part of the entire six-month group program. So, I’m excited to see the returning people. I’m excited to see the new faces and get to know everyone better. I just can’t wait.

That’s what’s been going on in my neck of the woods. Speaking of the mastermind, that is one of the reasons that I’m picking today’s topic, to talk about the impact of coaching. One of the things that I do with my clients in our sessions is that I use a bunch of examples from my personal life. In order to teach the coaching concepts that I teach. I find that people really learn by example, I know I do. So, I use a lot of examples of my coaching.

I will also use examples from other clients, anonymously of course. If it’s a one-on-one session and I’m talking about an experience that a different client of mine had, I keep it anonymous. But I love to share example because you get to see what it looks like in practice. We take it out of the hypothetical, and we get to see exactly how it works, what people struggle with, what people go through, how they overcome it.

And then, we can take what we learned from the example and apply it in our own lives, with all that really good context. Now, I’ve had a bunch of people over the years who are interested in working with me. Whether they want to work with me one-on-one or they want to join the mastermind, they’re interested in working with me, but they’re a little hesitant. Because they’re not quite crystal clear what exactly they’ll get out of coaching. They’re not quite sure, on the results.

So, I wanted to use some examples from my own life, to show you the results I’ve gotten through coaching. And obviously, there’s like the big picture example, right? Through coaching, I changed careers. I took the risk of starting my own business, even though I still don’t feel like it was much of a risk because I really believed in myself.

But I was able to do all of that, and not people-please family members and deal with feeling misunderstood, all those big things, because I had found coaching, and I knew how to navigate those emotional situations. But today, I want to talk about the more common everyday scenarios that I encounter. I’m able to use the coaching tools that I’ve mastered, the same tools that I teach to my clients.

I want to explain to you how I use them, in order to navigate those everyday life situations. In order to have a completely different experience in the world. A much more positive experience, a much more grounded experience, a much more intentional experience. Okay, so let’s dive in.

I’m gonna start with two recent scenarios, that actually happened just in the last week. So, the first one, is that someone reached out to me and asked me to write an article for a legal publication. And of course, super honored, I was so excited to say yes. So, as soon as I agreed to do it, I added the item to my to-do list.

That’s my rule, as soon as the need arises, the task goes on my to-do list. I talked about that in the time management series. I have one to-do list, and all of the tasks that I need to complete go on it. So, when I review my to-do list, I see it and I can add it to my calendar. Like, the time that I’m actually going to be writing the article. So, that’s what I did here.

I received the assignment before I went on my three-week trip, traveling all over the world. And I put the item on my to-do list, but I didn’t add it to my calendar, the actual writing time, yet, because I wasn’t sure when I was going to do it. So, I wanted to wait until I got closer to the deadline to add it to my calendar. And, that doesn’t present a problem for me. I am so intimately acquainted with my to-do list and my calendar, I check them both every day, sometimes multiple times a day.

So, if it’s on my to-do list, it’s not going to get missed. I wanted to wait until after I got back from my trip, when I had a better sense of what was on my plate, so I could calendar the task. When I was going to sit down and actually write the article, and be really realistic about it rather than reshuffling it around.

I finally reviewed my to-do list, the week of, and I found the chunk of time that I was going to write this article. I chose to write it on Thursday night; that’s when I had a decent chunk of time and I put it on my calendar and made the plan. Now, come Thursday, I had a full day of calls and then intended to write the article in the evening.

But the following day, on Friday, I had scheduled a branding photoshoot with my photographer to get some new photos for my website, for the mastermind launch, and for my social media accounts. And there were several things that I needed to do, in order to prep for the photoshoot. I underestimated the amount of time that it was going to take me to do them.

So, I hadn’t built that into my Thursday night game plan. And because that was pressing, I had to be somewhere, I ended up prioritizing those items. I didn’t, at any point in the day, check back in with my calendar. After I got started on the photoshoot prep, it was already pretty early in the evening. I didn’t check back in with my calendar to see that chunk of time.

Now, this is pretty uncharacteristic for me. I was just spinning too many plates; I had a little too much on my list for the day. So, my day was overly full. And like I talked about in the time management series, sometimes that happens, right? Sometimes you plan inaccurately and when you do that you need to go back, analyze what happened, evaluate, and make changes. Which I definitely did with this instance.

So, I didn’t write the article Thursday night. And then the next morning, I got up, prepped for the photo shoot, went to the photo shoot, and my day was like off to the races. And there was no other reminder or alert on my calendar about writing the article. It was still on my to-do list, but I knew I had the photo shoot for the day.

There was really no other point for me to check in with my to-do list that day. So, I went about the day. And again, it just completely slipped my mind. Now, I wake up Saturday morning, and the first thing, literally as soon as I opened my eyes, it dawns on me, “Oh my god. I didn’t write this article that was due on Friday.” And of course, like my stomach dropped. I was like, “Oh shit. Oh, no, this is not good,” right?

I took a deep breath, I grabbed my laptop, and I didn’t even get out of bed. I just open up my laptop and I cranked out the article. Like I said, I had it outlined already. I had done the prep work for it. I really just needed to write it. It wasn’t very long; it didn’t take me a long time to finish it. But I definitely had some negative thoughts about not having turned it in on Friday.

Now, without coaching, I could have had a fun time, I’m being super facetious here, I could have had a lot of fun going down a shame spiral. Really beating myself up, telling myself how unreliable I am. And that, how could you forget? And being really, really mean to myself about this. And feeling embarrassed. And I could have like apologized endlessly, over and over again, to the person who had asked me to write the article. All these things that I would have done, had it not been for coaching.

But because of coaching, I didn’t beat myself up. Instead, this is how I talked to myself: I acknowledged that I am a human, who was imperfect sometimes. Then I evaluated, I took full responsibility. I didn’t blame anything other than myself. But really not from a negative place of blame, just from taking ownership that I had created this result. And I asked myself, “How did I create this result?” From evaluating, I could figure out what didn’t work.

One of the things that didn’t work, is that I should, or could have, also calendared the deadline for a separate day as an extra reminder. I also, like I said, I didn’t check in with my to-do list the day of the photoshoot. Because I thought my day was already planned perfectly, to a tee, so that there was no reason to check it that morning.

So, those are two things that I could do differently going forward. I could calendar the deadline, too. Not just the time that I’m going to be working on the task, so I have security system, like an extra reminder. I could also make sure, no matter what, when I wake up in the morning, I default check my to-do list. Not just my calendar, but also my to-do list; just scan through it one time to make sure I’m not missing anything.

Now, another thing that I probably would have done pre-coaching, is that I would have avoided the task more. I would have felt really embarrassed. I would have felt really guilty. And I would have procrastinated, rather than just grabbing my computer immediately and starting on it.

Getting it done as soon as possible, and sending it off. I would have agonized while procrastinating. It would have been miserable, and I would have been a bundle of anxiety. Not a fun experience. But that’s probably what it would have looked like in practice.

Instead, I got right to work. I typed up the article, I edited it, and I sent it off. And guess what? It wasn’t a problem. The person was so lovely. They read through it, they edited it, and sent it back to me this weekend. And now, I get to review the final changes, and it’s gonna get published. Everything worked out perfectly.

If you make mistakes like this, too. If you have imperfections, and you forget something, by an honest mistake. Instead of beating yourself up, through using the coaching tools that I teach, learning that no benefit comes from bullying yourself, that it’s only going to lead to more negative things.

And learning how to gag-and-go through the discomfort of feeling that guilt, of feeling that anxiousness, you can finish the task and send it off, and shorten the amount of time that something’s late, rather than elongating it. So, that’s the first example that’s happened recently.

Another example, is that I recently went out to… I’ve got like a hole-in-the-wall bar that I go to sometimes, for a burger and a beer. Especially if it’s been like a long week, and I’m pretty tired, I’ll just go up there and get a quick bite to eat, and then come home and call it an early night.

So, I did that the other day. And when I went in there, I had a couple people, a couple guys, come up to me while I was there, and kind of try hitting on me and offered to buy me a drink. Because I’ve really cut back on my drinking, I really didn’t want any extra alcohol; I went up there to have a cheeseburger and a beer. And, that’s all I wanted to drink. I was really clear on that.

I was also working while I was there. I was on my phone, I was doing things on social media, specifically for the mastermind launch. So, they were really time sensitive, and I had no interest in being bothered. Now, had this happened before I found coaching, I would have people-pleased.

These guys would have come up to me, and probably, it wouldn’t even be plural. Because the first person would have come up to me and I would have engaged in a conversation with them. Even though I really didn’t want to be in a conversation with them.

I would have probably accepted the drink, and drank it to not be rude, to avoid having them think that I was impolite. I would have consumed more alcohol than I would have wanted to, out of that like guilt or fear that someone was going to be offended by my decision to turn down their offer. I would have talked to them, because I wouldn’t want to be rude and dismissive, all of those things.

And instead, I didn’t do that. People came up to me, one by one. And as much as like, I’m flattered that they thought I was attractive, and they told me so. They came up and wanted to chat. Like, that’s all lovely. I don’t need to be rude to anyone, and I’m not mad that they came up to me.

But I simply just didn’t want to engage in a conversation. So, when they came up, and they asked me if I was there alone, I didn’t lie, because I also don’t like lying. I can just own the fact that I’m by myself. I very expressly and directly said, “Yes, I am here by myself, and I want to be.”

A couple of them kind of like leaned their head sideways, and they’re like, “Oh, really?” And I was like, “Yep, I’m here just to grab a bite to eat and have a beer, and want to get some work done. So, thanks so much for the drink offer. I’m all set. I hope you have a great night.”

They were a little surprised that I turned down the drink. I think a lot of people aren’t used to being told no like that. But I didn’t have to be rude. I didn’t have to tell anyone to go screw themselves. It wasn’t like that at all. But I was so confident, and assured, and comfortable with me meeting my own needs. And me, taking care of myself in this moment.

And setting a boundary, that I didn’t want to drink more than I had already planned to drink. That I didn’t want to have a conversation that I didn’t want to have. Right? That I wasn’t going to do either of those things. So, I really owned it, and was just very direct and very honest. Again, not rude, but I did not beat around the bush. I resisted the urge to people-please.

So, if you’re a people-pleaser, and you find yourself in conversations you don’t want to be in, because you’re afraid to have people think that you’re rude, or impolite, or inconsiderate, coaching will really help you with this. It helps you dial down the guilt you feel, dial down the worry you feel. You will learn to allow yourself to feel misunderstood by other people. You care so much less about other people’s opinions of you because you like yourself and you have a strong opinion of you.

I have such a strong opinion of myself, not a hubristic opinion of myself, but I really like me, and I’m very certain about the decisions I make for myself. I love my reasons for making them. I loved my reasons for saying no, when people wanted to approach me and engage me in a conversation I didn’t want to have. So, I honored that decision because I knew my reasons, and I liked them.

Again, if this is you, if you’re used to people-pleasing and doing things you don’t want to do, coaching is the solution for that. Speaking of people-pleasing, another thing that I recently encountered, it was actually about my trip to Italy, that I just got back from.

When I originally agreed to go on that trip, I planned to go on it with a really good friend of mine. I talked to her about this already. She knows that I’m going to talk about this situation on the podcast. We had discussed it, in my last night in Italy, that I wanted to mention it on the podcast because it’s such a good example of not people-pleasing.

So, I agreed to go on this trip, and it was supposed to just be me and her, and we were going to spend two weeks in Europe. We were going to spend a week in France, and a week in Italy. And later on, probably several months, after we originally decided to go on a trip together to celebrate her 40th birthday, she let me know that her sister was interested in going.

I’d only met her sister I think one time, but I was all for it. Her sister’s really great, super sweet. And then, I later learned that her sister’s roommate also wanted to go. So, now there were four women going. I was totally fine with that; more the merrier.

But the one thing that I communicated, was that it would be my preference to have separate rooms, if possible. And at the very minimum, for everyone to have a separate bed. Or, at the very least, for me to have a separate bed, because they get to do whatever they want to do. But I didn’t want to share a bed with anyone.

When I communicated my preferences, there were no problems. My friend was like, “Not a problem. Love it. Got it. Good.” But as we got closer to the departure date, and we started making the final arrangements, my friend sent out an email with suggestions on where we should stay. And in her email, what I noticed, was she had circulated several options for Airbnbs® instead of hotels.

In a lot of the places that we were going to be staying, we would be sharing beds. Now, nothing against Airbnbs, I’m all for them; they’re lovely. But I’m a little bit of a hotel snob. I love a hotel. I love room service. I love a concierge. I love that someone comes and tidies my room every day, and makes the bed, and maybe they do turn down service, depending on where you’re staying.

I really love a five-star luxury hotel experience. It’s just like an extra little pampering that really makes it feel like a vacation for me. I love an amazing hotel robe. I am on like a consistent quest to find the places with the best hotel robes. So clearly, I love a hotel. Now, when I saw this list, I was like oh, that’s not what I wanted to do, the Airbnbs and the shared beds, right?

Now, instead of getting upset and sending off a sassy email back, I took a deep breath. I recognized that all that was happening, at that point in time, was that my friend was asking for input on the suggestions that she had circulated. So, that’s exactly what I did, I gave my input.

So, I responded. I was really direct, and said, “Hey, I’m a hotel girl. My vote is for us to stay in hotels in every city that we stay in. And you already know where I stand on no shared beds. So, that’s what gets my vote.” I also included that I understood that that would probably be more costly, and that that was my preference; to spend more money to have that type of travel experience.

Several days later, I learned that the group had voted, kind of behind the scenes, I wasn’t really privy to those conversations. But the group had voted, and they wanted to do several Airbnbs. There was a little bit of a compromise, some hotels, but mostly Airbnbs. And again, there would still be shared beds in some of the places that we stayed.

Now, prior to coaching, I probably would have been pretty disgusted. And I would have gotten really frustrated, and either been passive aggressive, or confrontational. That wouldn’t have been good. Also, prior to coaching, I would have been pissed about it. But I also would have people-pleased. I wouldn’t have communicated my preferences.

I would have agreed to go on it, because I wouldn’t have wanted to be “ridiculous” by honoring my own preferences, my own wishes for the trip. So, I would have people-pleased, and then I would have gone and been super resentful, like the whole trip.

Every time something happened that wasn’t to my liking, it would have fed into this narrative; that I didn’t get to pick. That I was right, we should have done it my way. And, this was awful. I can’t believe I’m spending all this money to be in Europe for several weeks, and I’m doing it this way, in the way that I didn’t want to. I would have had this victim narrative about; this was happening to me, and I didn’t get a say. I can’t believe that they chose this, and how unfair. This wasn’t what I agreed to, yadda yadda yadda.

But because I have found coaching, and I live and breathe these tools that I teach, I didn’t do that. I took a deep breath, I got myself to clean space, and I recognized the only person in this scenario that I could control was me. So, I asked myself, “What do you want to do?” And my honest answer, was that I did not want to travel with them. I didn’t want to stay with them. I didn’t want to stay in the Airbnbs. I didn’t want to share beds.

I felt like there was this conflict between the way I wanted to do the trip, and the way they wanted to do the trip. I was clearly more comfortable spending a lot more money on lodging than they were. And, that’s okay. Now, I decided at this point, that I was going to politely back out from going on the trip. And when I reached that decision, I had a ton of resistance to it. Because I’m a human, and my brain immediately went in to protection mode.

It was afraid that I’m going to risk my relationship with my really good friend, because I agreed to go on this trip. And now, their trip was going to be a little bit more expensive. Even though they were doing it like the less expensive way, by staying where they were staying. But it was still going to be more expensive because they would be splitting things three ways, not four ways anymore.

So, I thought about all of that. And I was like, “Is it worth it? Can I just suck it up?” Right? I still… I’m a human, I had that urge to people-please. But again, I grounded myself. I recognized that there was no scenario in which I go on the trip, and have an amazing time staying where we were going to stay, how we were going to stay.

That wasn’t a realistic option. I know me, that wasn’t going to happen. So, the only two real options were to people-please, and go and be miserable. Or, to not people-please and do the trip my way. So, I decided to gag-and-go through my worry. I felt worried that my friend wouldn’t handle it well. I love her. I expected her to be pretty good with it. But like, you never know when you back out on something, how someone’s going to take it.

So, I was hopeful, but not completely certain that it would go over well. But I decided to politely back out of the trip. Now, as a consolation, this is what I was willing to offer. I told her that it felt like there was conflict between the two ways we wanted to travel. Between the experience of really decadent travel and things being affordable; it felt like there was a conflict there.

I felt like I was the only one pushing in the comfort direction. I wanted to make things easier. And that the trip was different than the one I had agreed to go on. So, for those reasons, and to avoid having a bad experience, actually on the trip, I was going to politely decline and not go with them.

But I added that I was willing to meet them in Rome. I wouldn’t stay with them. I’d come for the second half of the trip, the Italy portion of the trip. And I would stay in my own hotels, in my own rooms where I wanted to stay, in the types of hotels that I wanted to stay at. And we could meet up for lunch, dinner, seeing the city, all of that stuff.

I also knew we were going to go to the Amalfi Coast. I’ve been there before; it’s very hard to get around. And I wanted to stay in a particular location close to the beach, because of all the stairs there. And I also didn’t want to share rooms there. So, I was gonna stay by myself there, as well.

Now, prior to coaching, I would have been afraid of people thinking that I was ridiculous, and just too over the top, that I wasn’t being fair. I would have had so many fears around communicating my preference. But because I have these tools, I chose to honor what I knew I wanted to do.

I still really did want to go to Italy, and I wanted to be with my friends. I wanted to spend time with them. I wanted to go to dinners together, I knew that would be so much fun. And by doing the trip my way, it would enable me to show up as my best self; not resentful, not annoyed, not frustrated, not righteous, right? I’d get to show up and have fun and be delighted. And, that’s exactly what happened.

So, I told my friend how I was going to do the trip. And she was like, I totally understand; she was amazing. She handled it so well. And, that’s what I ended up doing. I stayed in super luxurious places. I had my space all to myself. So, I had plenty of alone time to decompress, to recharge my batteries. I was able to show up and have so much fun with the three girls that I met there.

We laughed, just completely laughed our asses off at dinner every day. Had so much fun bopping around the different cities. I got to really show them Rome, which was so much fun. I’ve been there several times, so I was able to kind of be like a little tour guide for them; that was amazing.

I was actually able to spend more time in Rome, which was really important to me. Because I went there earlier than they were going to get in, coming from France. So, everyone had the best of both worlds. The only reason people were able to have the best of both worlds, is because I have learned the skill set of how to be honest with myself about what I want.

I’ve also learned the skill set of how to provide that to myself and not compromise it. That is what I have gotten out of coaching. That, on a consistent basis, creates you living a life on your terms. A life you enjoy. A life you prefer.

If you are not living a life you prefer, if you are people-pleasing instead, and you are constantly doing shit you hate and feeling resentful about it, it is time to get coached. It is time to learn the tools that I teach my clients every day, so you stop doing that. So, you can live a much more enjoyable life. And so, other people can experience a better version of you.

Because, you know what none of my friends wanted? They didn’t want to be on vacation with a resentful, bitchy Olivia. That’s not fun for anyone. So, if you’re people-pleasing, you’re probably not showing up as the best version of yourself.

You’re doing things because you feel like you should do them. You’re doing things out of guilt or out of fear. And then, you’re probably not showing up as your most fabulous self. You’re probably showing up frustrated, and annoyed, and resentful, and super righteous. And, no one likes that. It’s not fun for anyone.

You’re not doing people any favors when you people-please. If you’re a people-pleaser, it’s time to figure out how to stop. And I promise you, the way to figure out how to stop is to get coaching.

All right now let’s switch gears a little bit. I want to talk about a couple like life happens moments that I think a lot of people, without these coaching tools, would like really lose their shit over. The first one, is when I was in New York, before I went to Italy.

I love how recent all these examples are. It’s like, so the point of this podcast episode. It’s that I use these tools every single day in my life, and they make a monumental difference. What’s really wild to think about is like, think of the compound effect of this.

If every single day, I’m using these tools to create a completely different experience for myself, think about the opposite. If in every single one of the instances, that I’m talking to you about, I was in victim mode, and I was angry, and frustrated, and reactionary, and doing really awful things that don’t serve me.

The compound effect of that, versus the compound effect of being able to manage my mind, manage my emotional experience, and manage what I do and don’t do. It’s just incredible. It’s like a completely different life. All right. So, when I was in New York, I met my friend Shari, for lunch. I was so excited to get to meet her in person. We became friends through the pandemic, really good friends.

I met her for lunch on my last day in New York, before I was going to catch my flight to Rome. I took a Lyft from my hotel to meet her where we were meeting for lunch. I got stuck in quite a bit of traffic on Madison Avenue, so while I was in the back of the Lyft, I was going through my purse, kind of getting organized, getting some things situated.

And then, we finally, after like being super late because of traffic… And just a side note there, I am not normally ever late because of traffic. Old me used to be there’s another benefit of coaching, is that I know how to manage my time. So, I plan for traffic when I’m making plans and thinking about my commute time.

But I’m not used to New York City traffic, so I had typed in on my map’s app the evening before how long it should take me to get to the restaurant. And then, I just didn’t know that there would be way more traffic the next day. So, lesson learned, that it doesn’t take 15 minutes to get from my hotel to the restaurant that I was meeting her at during the day. It takes like 30 minutes, or 25, whatever.

Anyways, I was running behind because of traffic and I was in a hurry. I felt bad that she was waiting for me, even though she was so lovely about it. I was just really upset that someone was waiting. I don’t like to make people wait; I really love to respect people’s time. Again, another amazing consequence of coaching.

And when I finally got in front of the restaurant, I was like so excited to finally be there, that I jumped out of the Lyft and went, ran up to her and said hi, big hugs, all of those things. We had the most amazing lunch together. Finally, after like several hours of talking about all the things, we hugged goodbye. I left her, I jumped in another Lyft, went back to my hotel, picked up my bags, and got into another car and headed to JFK.

Now, it was Friday evening, and the ride to JFK was like an hour and a half, in traffic. I had budgeted a perfect amount of time. I was actually going to be at the airport even a little bit earlier than I normally am. But I wanted to give myself plenty of room because of the traffic, and I had talked to Shari about how long it might take, so I’d planned appropriately.

When I get to the airport, I go to check my suitcases; I was traveling for three weeks, by the way, don’t judge me for the two suitcases. I go to check my two suitcases at the curb. And it’s always my preference, to check at the curb, if I can. So, I go up to the gentleman who was checking the bags and he says, “Ma’am, your bag’s overweight.”

Most of the time now I fly first class, but because I’m not a millionaire yet; working on it, but not quite. I’m not gonna splurge for the DELTA ONE first class luxury experience yet, to fly to Europe. So, I didn’t qualify for my bag to be free when it was overweight. Which ultimately, for the story, is like a huge blessing in disguise.

Anyways, the gentleman tells me, “Ma’am, you owe $100 for your suitcase.” I asked him, I was like, “Oh, it shouldn’t be. I thought I had, you know, priority,” and turns out I didn’t; not for it being overweight. If it was underweight would have been fine. Anyways, I digress.

So, I go to hand him cash; I had a bunch of cash on me. he’s like, “Oh, I’m sorry, we don’t take cash out here.” So, I go in my purse, and I go to grab my wallet, in order to pay with a card. And as soon as I started looking for my wallet, my stomach drops. And you know when you just know in those moments, like just hits you immediately. I knew exactly where my wallet was, and it was not in my purse.

It was in the Lyft that I had taken to meet Shari for lunch. So, I’m like, oh, my God, this is a horrible, what am I going to do? So, the gentleman, who is trying to check my bags for me, he’s like, “Oh, is it in the Lyft or the Uber that you just got dropped off in? Just call the guy back, he can just turn right around.” I’m like, “Oh, it’s in a Lyft, alright, but not the one that just dropped me off.”

So, I took a deep breath, and rather than panic and freak out, and indulge in self-pity, and feel sorry for myself, I took a deep breath and I got resourceful. I immediately went into the Lyft app on my phone, and I tried to track down the driver who had dropped me off. I was able to contact him, and I bribed him to come to JFK, to drive the extra hour and a half to come see me with my wallet.

He had my wallet, which is amazing. I offered to pay him whatever he wanted, in order to come bring it to me. And he, there was a little bit of a language barrier, and he was like, “I’ll come tomorrow.” And I was like, “No, no, you have to come tonight.” So, he was gracious enough and offered to come that night.

I get off the phone with him, and I’m like, alright, now what are we going to do? I knew, by that point, because it had just taken me an hour and a half to get from downtown Manhattan to JFK in traffic, that it was going to take him an hour and a half. And if that was the case, there was essentially no way for me to make my flight.

It would have been like; I had an hour and a half just before the plane was like leaving. And that wasn’t gonna work, right? Because I would still have to check my bags, go through security. JFK is huge, so it would take me a while to get to the gate. I just knew, in that moment, that that was not going to happen; no matter how fast he drove, no matter how tight the timing was, I wasn’t going to make my next flight.

Now, I also could not go up to the Delta counter and ask them to change my flight for me, because the next ticket would have been more expensive than the one I originally paid for. And, guess what? I didn’t have any credit cards on me, so I wouldn’t have been able to pay the difference. And I highly doubt they were just gonna like, be like, yeah, we’ve got you on the honor system; not gonna work.

So, what were my options? First thing’s first, I really didn’t think that there would be another evening flight from JFK to Rome, flying direct, and I was really hoping to avoid a layover. I didn’t think there’d be another flight offered that evening direct to Rome. But I searched for it just to be sure.

And lo and behold, there was another flight that evening. I was flying out at night already, like 7:30. But there was another direct flight to Rome on an Italian airlines plane, and they’re affiliated with Delta, so that worked. I was absolutely blown away; I was so excited.

The problem was, because I didn’t have a credit card, I needed to just buy another ticket, like a brand-new ticket. So, that’s what I did. Thankfully, I have Apple Pay. Like my cards are stored in my phones, so I was able to purchase just an entire new ticket through my phone.

Now, it was not an inexpensive ticket. It was way more than my original ticket. And I could have been really furious about having to pay more, but I wasn’t furious about having to pay more. I was delighted to pay more. I also recognized that my other option was to wait and not leave for Italy that night, and to spend the night near JFK. And like, that sounded terrible.

So, those were my two options. I could spend the night at JFK, or I could pay extra 1,000s of dollars, that had this not happened, I wouldn’t have had to spend. Those were my two choices to make. I chose to buy the ticket.

I chose to buy the ticket, not begrudgingly, I was truly thrilled. I was so grateful. I was so excited that everything was working out. This was like the best-case scenario. And I remember thinking for a split second, that I kind of wished it would have happened, I would have like realized I didn’t have my wallet once I got to Italy, so I could have just gotten on the flight and avoided all of that.

But that’s crazy, because I wouldn’t have been able to check into hotels that I had reservations at, so thank goodness this happened exactly the way that it did. Thank goodness, that I checked a bag, and I wasn’t flying DELTA ONE, so I had to pay for it by card; that’s the only reason I realized that I didn’t have my wallet.

Thank goodness, there was another direct flight to Rome; that’s amazing. Thank goodness, I also have my credit card number memorized. But I didn’t even need to use that because it was already stored in my phone. And thank goodness, I am successful enough to have the ability, I’m so grateful for this, to have the ability to spend 1,000s of extra dollars on a plane ticket, and not worry about it.

Just to be able to make that purchase immediately, not think twice, and get it done. And then, have the peace of mind that I was just going to end up in Rome, like two hours later than I otherwise would have, had I made my original flight. And then, once I booked my new flight, I just sat patiently and waited for the wonderfully generous man to come bring me my wallet. I paid him when he asked me to pay him. I was so delighted to do that, as well. And, this situation really couldn’t have gone any better.

Now, had I not had coaching tools to help me navigate the situation, what would this have looked like? For a lot of people, it would have looked like thinking; I can’t believe this happened to me. This is so unfair. I hate traveling. Traveling’s so hard. This is the worst. Nothing ever goes well, for me. This is ruining my trip. I’m not going to be able to have a good time, now. Everything’s ruined. This is so unfair.

They would have shut down. They wouldn’t have gotten resourceful; they wouldn’t have figured it out. They would have just felt sorry for themselves, and really spun in indecision, and the overwhelm, the confusion, about what to do in this situation.

Or, if they did figure it out, they would have been in a super negative mindset about spending the money, about thinking that they shouldn’t have to spend the money; just being so pissed. And then, they would have let that ruin their vacation, the entire time.

Or, I’ve seen people just like, pack it in and give up. Like, I guess I wasn’t supposed to go on this trip. Oh, well. Maybe they would have canceled entirely and just gone home. I’ve seen people do that before. It’s bananas crazy to me. But people do that. Because they’re feeling sorry for themselves. Because they’re in that state of victimhood.

But that wasn’t me. I was having a great time, because I have tools like this to help me manage my mind. I know that how I feel is caused by what I think. And therefore, I don’t think negative thoughts in situations like this. I think really positive thoughts. I think about how it’s working in my favor, and things are going well, and how lucky I am, and how fortunate I was.

I was able to take really swift, calm, intentional action. Because my mind was managed as I was going through this scenario. So, the lost wallet was no big deal. Even if it had worked out poorly, I would have figured it out. Like, would have been a little bit more disappointed? Yeah, of course. If I wasn’t able to recover my wallet, it definitely would have impacted my trip more. But this was like the best-case scenario under the circumstances. And, I treated it as such.

Another recent example of life’s inconveniences, is that every year… I don’t know if this happens to any of you, but every year I have a heat sensor on my furnace, and I don’t know, there’s like this residue that gets built up on a heat sensor. And it causes your furnace to cycle on and off, on and off, on and off, repeatedly. So, it’s hard to keep your house warm when that happens, because the furnace wants to turn on but then it shuts off, because of this heat sensor not working.

Now, every year I call a heating and cooling company to come out, and I ask them to replace the heat sensor. And every year they tell me that it’s not necessary to replace the heat sensor, that it just needs to be cleaned. So, after a couple of years of this, I learned that this was what the problem was, and I learned how to clean it myself.

Now, the last year, I guess just last year, I tried to clean it myself and it didn’t work. I either didn’t clean it well enough or whatever, but I wasn’t able to get it to stop cycling on and off. So, I called the heating and cooling company, again, told them, “I need you to replace it.” And they were like, “You probably don’t, we just have to clean it.”

So, the guy came out and he cleaned it for me, and sure enough, it worked again. He just told me that I wasn’t rough enough with the abrasive material that you have to clean it with. So, this year, at the start of the year, this is like a week ago, I noticed that my furnace was cycling on and off.

I went downstairs and I opened it up. I went to clean up the heat sensor, and sure enough, I break the heat sensor because I was extra rough and they’re quite brittle. When you break the heat sensor, your furnace will not work. It tries to turn on and literally nothing happens; it won’t turn on at all.

So, when this happens, your furnace is essentially broken until you call someone out to replace the heat sensor. Which under this scenario, at least I get a new one now. But this is a really great example of everyday stuff that just doesn’t go in your favor. Right?

Life happens, shit happens. One of my coaches, Brooke Castillo, she says that everything in life is 50/50; 50% good, 50% ass. And when you break your heat sensor, or you lose your wallet in a Lyft in New York City, that’s the 50% of life being assed part. Okay?

So, instead of getting all bent out of shape about; oh, I can’t believe this happened. This sucks. Oh, my God, this is the worst. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. Like, tons of negativity about this minor inconvenience, I just owned it. I was like; yep, that’s what happens when you try and fix it yourself. You knew these were brittle. You knew there was a chance you could break it, instead of calling someone out to do it for you.

I just owned that it was my fault. And from there, I was able to very calmly make a plan to get my furnace fixed. I didn’t fly off the handle. It didn’t ruin my day; it was no big deal. I know a lot of you listening, you have every day annoyances, everyday inconveniences that send you over the edge.

And, it’s because you don’t have these coaching tools. It’s because you don’t know how to change your thoughts about things. It’s because you don’t understand how to discern circumstances, from the thoughts you think about them. You don’t understand how to control your emotional experience in the world. So, you think everything’s just happening to you, and you’re living at the effect of your circumstances. You’re very out of control over your emotional experience in the world.

Through coaching, you reclaim that control. So, you’re able to feel in control of how you feel every day. And you’re able to curate an emotional experience that’s much more positive, than the default one you’re experiencing right now.

Another really common everyday annoyance, is people’s non-responsiveness. So, I’ve been working on planning the live event, for the next round of the mastermind in Charleston. And when I was going through the early stages of planning, I reached out to a bunch of different places to inquire about hosting the event there; for venue space, for the meetings, for the hotel accommodations, for the welcome reception, all of that stuff.

It wasn’t just one place, it was several places that were, this is a thought, it’s my opinion, but they were extremely non-responsive. I mean, days and days after I emailed them. I followed up with several places, and it was still several days before I got an answer.

So many people I know, many of my clients, when they first start working with me would be so upset about this. They would feel so offended, so disrespected, so unappreciated; just really, really negative emotions if this happened to them. Now, was I surprised? Yeah, I was a little surprised. And did I have like super sexy, rosy thoughts about the non-responsiveness? No.

But I identified what my options were: I could be spiteful and just keep reaching out to other places, and not work with the place that I really wanted to work with, or the few places that I really wanted to work with. But that’s biting off my nose to spite my face, and that doesn’t make sense to me. So, I opted not to do that.

I also thought about just seeing how long it would take them to respond, and kind of being righteous about that and snooty. I also decided not to do that because, you know what? That would have been coming from a negative emotion. It would have been me being reactionary, and it definitely wouldn’t create the result that I want to create, which is getting a response from these venues, so I can finalize the plans for the mastermind live event.

So, here’s what I did. I decided to do the only thing that I could do that was within my control, that would potentially create a scenario that gets me my desired result. I decided to email them as much as I felt like it. I decided to be the squeaky wheel that got the grease. And. guess what? It worked. I was, what in my opinion, was like a little obnoxious with the emails, but people started responding to me. And, I was able to finalize the plans. So, it all worked out.

I see so many people get bent out of shape, when people don’t respond to them in the timeline that they want a response. Now, without coaching, you get all those negative emotions, right? But that’s a terrible way to go through the world. And the best news is, it’s optional.

But you have to learn these coaching tools, in order to create a different experience for yourself. This happens with email communication. This happens with text messages. Maybe you get super pissed at people who take a “long” time to respond to you. So many of my friends apology vomit for taking a long time to respond.

I never care how long someone takes to respond. If I really need to get a hold of you, I will get a hold of you. I will track you down. I will call you multiple times. I will text you. I’ll double text if I need to. I’ll do whatever I have to do to bring it to your attention that it’s urgent. And I still won’t get upset if you don’t answer, because we all get to decide how responsive we are for ourselves, whether or not someone else likes it.

I also see people not handle waiting and other scenarios; they don’t handle it well. Like, waiting a long time for a server or a bartender at a restaurant. People get bent out of shape about that. I never have my drama around that. I just always choose thoughts that served me. I have a much more enjoyable experience when I’m out, as a result of that.

So, if there are minor everyday frustrations like that… Ooh, here’s one more; traffic’s another one. I do not understand why people have negative thoughts about traffic. Traffic is part of life. Don’t go to war with traffic. Don’t get frustrated by it; it’s so unnecessary.

My last two examples are about situations that I’ve encountered with my parents, that I’ve had to coach myself on. One situation, I’ve talked about this on the podcast before, I think. But I call it the “cherry pie” scenario. I’ve talked about it on my social media accounts before. So, some of you may already be familiar with this story.

But a couple summers ago, I was on a weight loss journey. I was eating really healthy. I had also cut out alcohol. So, to say the least, I was experiencing a lot of deprivation. Now, this was during the pandemic, like kind of the early days of the pandemic. So, people really weren’t seeing one another. Yet, my parents were in my bubble. So, I would go out and see them on the weekends.

My mom normally cooks when I go out; we kind of take turns now, that’s actually more fair to say. But when she cooks, she really loves carb heavy dishes. And, that was so not aligned with my weight loss goals. So, I recognized, very early on, that it’s her house, she gets to cook what she wants to cook. But there are things that I can do to control what I eat.

So, I can ask her to cook different things, but she might not want to cook what I want to eat. So, in order to make it the most likely that I would be able to eat food that aligned with my weight loss goals, I started bringing food with me, and I offered to cook for everyone. Now, prior to coaching, I would have been super entitled. I would have thought that she needed to appease my desire or acquiesce to my game plan. Like, if she cared about me, she would do it for me.

Blech, such a negative mindset. Such a disempowered mindset, too, very victim-y. Anyways, that’s probably what I would have been thinking; that she needed to change what she was doing, in order to meet my needs. But instead, because I have coaching tools, I know the truth. That the only person that I can control is myself. So, I controlled myself, in the food that I brought, and I was able to, most weekends, basically every weekend for a while, eat what I wanted to eat.

And then, there was this particular weekend. I went out there and my mom told me that she wanted to make seafood pasta for Sunday dinner, and that she was insisting on it. That’s what she really had a craving for, that’s what she wanted to eat. And I still could have chosen to make my own food and eat my own thing, that had nothing to do with the pasta.

But I didn’t choose to do that. I chose to let her cook what she wanted to cook. I was a little upset about it, in the beginning. I was like; I’ll just eat the seafood. I won’t eat the pasta. And we normally have salad, so I was like, I’ll just eat salad. But I was not thrilled.

Now, earlier in the day, she also, I think she made scones, like more carbs. So, I didn’t eat those either. And I think maybe a quiche, which was like carbs from the pie crust, the pie dough. Just again, things that I wouldn’t eat with the plan that I was on.

So, I get through dinner, and I’m already not feeling jazzed about how the evening’s going. And then, I went down into the basement to take a Zoom call. The people who have been following me since the early days of quaran-times, back in 2020, know that I used to run a Sunday night meet-up.

And, this was Sunday night, so I went down into the basement to host the Zoom meet-up out there. And before the call got started, I ran back upstairs to grab a bottle of water. And while I did that, when I entered the kitchen, I saw my mom and my uncle eating this cherry pie.

Now, little backstory on the cherry pie. The cherry pie had not been there all weekend. It wasn’t even there this morning. My mom had run out to buy bread, more carbs, right before dinner. She had run to Whole Foods® and she bought a cherry pie, which happens to be my favorite. So, my mom was very aware, I had talked to her many times about my weight loss journey and my weight loss struggles.

So, she knew that I wasn’t eating food like this. She also knows that cherry pie is my favorite. Now, when I saw this, I lost my shit. I created this narrative that my mom and my uncle, were trying to hide the cherry pie from me. And I guess that would probably would have been a good thing, like had my head been screwed on straight at the moment, because then I wouldn’t have known about it. So, it wouldn’t have triggered any deprivation for me.

But I felt deceived, I guess is the best way to put it. So, I made up the story that they were trying to hide the cherry pie from me, and like eat it behind my back. And then, I also flipped out because I was like; how dare my mom bring this cherry pie into her house? I know how ridiculous this sounds. I’m very aware of that.

But that was really how I was thinking. I was like; this is so disrespectful. She clearly doesn’t care about me. She doesn’t care about what I’m working towards. How dare she? I can’t believe she did this. Just really selfish of her, is probably the line of thinking that I had. And, I felt outraged. I completely flipped out.

I finished the call; I could barely get through the call I was so upset. Probably just hangry because I wanted to eat some damn cherry pie. But I get through the call. And as soon as the call was over, I left immediately, like stormed off. Not my proudest moment, you guys, but I’m keeping it really real with you.

I stormed off, got in my car, called my cousin, and proceeded to have a vent session for 45 minutes. Now, I’m not one to vent. I normally don’t think it’s very helpful. I don’t think complaining is productive. I know it’s cathartic to some people, some of the time. I really don’t even think that’s useful, though.

But I was in a full-on human moment here, not being a coach, but just being a human being. And, I was pissed. So, I spent 45 minutes driving home from my parents’ house on the phone with my cousin, just losing my mind about the cherry pie ordeal.

Now, while I was driving, like literally as soon as I got in my car, I was intimately aware that I felt outraged. And, I was also intimately aware that I was the person causing me to feel that way. My mom’s actions did not make me feel outraged; my mom’s actions are neutral. The cherry pie’s a neutral circumstance. The fact that my mom bought a cherry pie is a neutral circumstance. The fact that my mom and my uncle were eating the cherry pie is a new neutral circumstance.

None of those things caused me to feel outraged. The only thing that caused me to feel outraged was my thoughts about the situation, the story that I was telling myself about the cherry pie. And even with the awareness that I was the one causing my negative emotional experience, I decided that I wanted to hold on to my negative thoughts for a little while. I wasn’t ready to get out of them. I wasn’t ready to get myself to a cleaner, more grounded place. So, I stayed pissed for a week.

I allowed myself to keep thinking my negative thoughts, about the cherry pie and about my mom’s actions. And, I continued to stay upset. But then, after a week passed, I decided that I didn’t want to be angry anymore. I didn’t want to feel outraged. It wasn’t productive. It didn’t feel good. I didn’t want to be arguing with my mom anymore. I wanted to get along with her.

So, I knew that the work that I had to do was that I needed to find a different thought to think about the incident. So, I racked my brain. I searched for a different thought. So many people asked me, “Olivia, how do you practice finding new thoughts?” It’s like trying on clothes; you got to try on different ones until you find something that fits.

So, for me, after I searched for a more positive, productive thought, and it took me a little while, I finally stumbled on this thought; I realized that my mom has a little bit of a dependency on sugar. She used to smoke; we both did. We’ve both since quit, and her vice sort of switched from smoking to sugar consumption.

Now, I have had my own issues with both Adderall and with alcohol. So, I am not here to judge anyone for how they respond to feeling deprived, how they respond to cravings, how they respond to urges, okay? I know what it’s like to want something, even if maybe you shouldn’t do it. I know what it’s like to want something, even when someone else might have an opinion about it. Okay?

I realized that what I was ultimately asking my mom to do… She wanted the cherry pie, obviously, she did. She bought it when she went to Whole Foods that day, because she wanted a slice of cherry pie. And what I realized, is that I wanted my mom to feel deprived, so I didn’t have to feel deprived.

When I realized that, I felt so gross. I was like; ugh, I don’t want to be that kind of person. Where I want other people to be uncomfortable, so I don’t have to be uncomfortable. That’s not how I want to show up in this world. That’s not how I want to treat the people that I love.

I want to love people and let them show up the way they want to show up. I want to love people and let them be who they are. And, for them to not feel deprived on my account. For them to have the things that they want in their life, whether that’s a cherry pie or something else, it doesn’t matter. I want them to get what they want.

Instead of needing my mom to feel deprived so I didn’t have to, in that moment, I decided that I could handle feeling deprived. That was my job in the scenario, was just to feel the deprivation and to calm the fuck down. So, that’s what I did.

I changed the story I was telling myself about the cherry pie incident, and I got over it in that instant. Like, no lingering resentment. I felt completely differently as soon as I jumped to this new thought and this new story about the cherry pie.

I know this stuff happens for you guys, too. I coach so many people on relationships with family members, with friends, with colleagues. Where they get so bent out of shape about what someone else does. And they make it mean all of these things; that people don’t respect them, that people are being rude, and inconsiderate, and it’s so unfair.

That line of thinking makes you feel terrible. And, it’s optional to think that way. And, it’s optional to feel that way. But in order to opt out of that experience in the world, you have to learn these tools. You have to get coached, master the emotional intelligence principles that I teach, in order to navigate these situations very differently.

All right, I could go on and on and on. But I’m going to give you one more example. Every year on Thanksgiving, actually on Thanksgiving Eve, I do a huge charcuterie board for my family. I have a meat slicer; I slice all the meat. I cut up all of the different cheeses. I probably have, like I don’t know, like 30 or some things on my charcuterie board.

I actually take my parents’ island, in their kitchen, and I wrap the entire thing in brown paper, and I label all of the things that I put on the board. But I turn the whole island into one big charcuterie board. It’s really over the top; it’s like everything you could possibly want on a board. And, it’s really fun. We all stand around and talk and snack, and it ends up sort of being dinner for the night. It’s so much food that you don’t need anything else; most people end up filling up on it.

Now, it takes me hours to put this together every year. I spend so much time pouring into it. I spend days before, running around town getting all of the things for the charcuterie board. I go to a couple of different meats shops. I go to a cheese place, in Eastern Market, in Detroit.

I have to go to a special place to get the prosciutto. I go to the open-air part of Eastern Market to get my honeycomb for the board. And then, I have to go to this other place to get my Marcona almonds. I go get a couple of different types of olives, and all the jams and chutneys. I really, I mean, I go all out. Gotta get the fruit, as well; grapes, different berries, things like that.

So, the board’s over the top; there’s truly no reason anyone would need any other food other than the board. In fact, by the end of the night, there’s still so much left over that we package it up. And that ends up being like the snack, while we cook Thanksgiving dinner the following day.

Now, like I said, the board takes me hours to make. And every year, my dad comes home from work on Wednesday night, and he brings home a pizza. Prior to finding coaching, this drove me fucking crazy. Every year, he’d bring home a pizza and he would offer it to people, after I had just spent like four or five hours putting together this charcuterie board. Getting everything prepped, not to mention the time that it took for me to go buy everything.

I would completely lose my shit. Now, my dad’s the kind of person that you don’t lose your shit with. So, I would internally lose my shit and be really upset, really resentful. And then, I’d bottle it all up and not say anything, because that’s just how I was raised. You don’t talk back to my dad, and he don’t let him know you’re upset.

So, I would hide it, abut I would be really, really frustrated. I would think all of these thoughts about him buying the pizza; I would think that it was rude. It was disrespectful. That he shouldn’t do it. That he was taking away from what I was doing. That he was ruining my experience, and the experience of other people. I mean, I really had a negative narrative around this entire situation.

So much so, that I ruined my own experience several years in a row, by getting so wildly upset about this. Now, I finally decided that, because I now know that I caused my own feelings with my thoughts, I learned and realize that my dad’s actions, nor the pizza, were causing my negative experience.

It was me. it was the way that I was thinking about it. And for a while, I think like an extra year, I decided to hold on to my negative emotions. Just like I did with the cherry pie situation and the outrage. Recently, I decided I didn’t want to be mad about this anymore. I didn’t want to let this interfere with and ruin the time that I get to spend with my parents, to ruin my holiday. I just don’t want to be upset about it.

So again, I started trying on thoughts that I could think about this, in order to feel differently about it. And I ultimately settled on the thought that my dad grew up in a family, with my grandfather, and were really proud entertainers. I like to entertain a lot more than my dad does, but he still is a very proud, generous host.

And as much as I’m a millennial, and I have grown up during the charcuterie trend, my dad didn’t. I don’t think he views it as like a full-on meal, like maybe, some of us millennials do. So, if I had to venture a guess, I think he’s afraid that our guests will be at his house, and that they will want something more substantial to eat.

That they’re not going to just want some slices of meat, cheese, and some crackers. Now, again, the board is very impressive, so that’s really not the experience. Like, we’re normally overly full after we’ve all snacked on it and eaten. But I really do believe that he thinks it’s not a real meal. So, he feels uncomfortable not offering his guests something else.

As soon as I was able to identify that thought… And I don’t know if that’s true or not, I haven’t had a conversation with him about it. I don’t need to have a conversation with him about it. I’m able to have a completely different emotional experience without him doing anything differently. I settled on this thought, and it is a thought that serves me so well.

I guarantee you this year he will bring a pizza home the night I do the charcuterie board on Thanksgiving Eve. And instead of getting bent out of shape and ruining my own night, thinking negative thoughts about the pizza, I’m just going to love him for who he is. And let him show up as who he is. Not ask him or need him to be any different.

The only reason I’m able to do that, the only reason I’m able to feel differently about the situation is because I have the emotional intelligence tools that you gain through life coaching. That’s it. Otherwise, I’d have a lot more negative experiences around the holidays, especially Thanksgiving, in my future.

But I don’t, I’m going to have amazing holidays in my future, because I know how to manage my own mind. I really cannot overstate the impact of coaching, of learning to apply these tools in your day-to-day life. Yes, you can make huge sweeping changes in your life, like I have, because of coaching.

I’ll do an entire episode on my story, on how I was able to drastically change my life and completely alter the trajectory of my career, of my life, because of these tools. But I cannot overstate the impact of these day-to-day differences. The compound effect of having these different emotional experiences every single day, day in and day out, is completely invaluable.

You will create an entirely different experience in the world if you learn to do this work. If you learn to apply these tools on your own. I invite you to do that with me. If you want to learn the art of navigating your life, and the things that you experience in a much healthier, more productive way, you’ve got to sign up for The Less Stressed Lawyer Mastermind.

It is the room where you will learn how to master these skills. You will be able to create this calm, grounded experience for yourself, day in and day out. Enrollment for the mastermind, just opened; do not wait to apply. The spots are limited. They’re going to be filled on a first come first served basis.

So, head to my website. You specifically want to go to TheLessStressedLawyer.com/mastermind. Go there, all of the details that you want to know about the mastermind will be at that link. Again, it’s TheLessStressedLawyer.com/mastermind. You can apply via that link. Get your applications in so you can start learning how to master this work, and completely change your experience in the world, as a result.

All right, my friends. That’s what I have for you this week. I’ll talk to you in the next episode.

Thanks for listening to The Less Stressed Lawyer podcast. If you want more info about Olivia Vizachero or the show’s notes and resources from today’s episode, visit www.TheLessStressedLawyer.com.